Jay: All right. Listen, you guys need anything, let me know.
Shawn: You got it. I'm Shawn, by the way.
Jay: Jay Pritchett.
Gloria: Jay.
Jay: It's okay, Gloria. All handled. This is my wife, Gloria. This is Shawn - and I want to get this right, beautiful African name - Shawn M'badawe.
Shawn: I said, "By the way."
Jay: Ah.

Mitchell: Look, it was wrong of you to be mean to Tom, okay? Even though Daddy and I aren't always as open-minded as we should be, we- We want you to be better than us.
Lily: O-kay.
Cameron: No. Listen. We accept people for who they are. Daddy and I would accept you no matter what: boy, girl, gay, straight... Though, if you're a lesbian, please be the fun kind.

Haley: How do nerds even get mono? Did you all practice by kissing the same pillow?
Alex: Shouldn't you be at work by now?
[aside to camera:]
Haley: I got fired. My plan was to hide it from my parents until I got a new job, but with smarty-pants Alex home, I had to be more careful, or she was going to figure it out. Her being super-sick is coming at a really bad time for me.

Manny: [aside to camera] I live simply now, and it's good for me. Might it also help my chance of kissing her one day? Yes. And if that requires living in a world where the government chooses all our songs, so be it.

Jay: Guess what. A black family's moving in right across the street the same day my security cameras are going up. Well, what am I supposed to do? I made the appointment weeks ago right after the break-in down the street. But they'll think I made the call the minute I saw them because I'm a racist old man.
Gloria: Why would the neighbors just assume that you're a racist?
Jay: Gloria, Gloria, Gloria. You'll never understand the stereotypes old white men face.

Luke: [aside to camera] Alex's laptop had every piece of homework she ever did in high school. It was the Holy Grail I think. Thanks to Alex's hard work, I don't know what that is and never will.

Jay: Let me ask you guys something. If, someday, Lily wanted to be Lou and had the whole chop-chop, bing-bang thing, how would you be with that?
Mitchell: We love Lily.
Jay: Lou.
Cameron: We love Lou. And there's nothing she could do-
Jay: He.
Cameron: He. There's nothing he could do that would change that.
Jay: So you wouldn't even need the minute that Tom's parents did?
Mitchell: Well, no, no. Maybe a minute. I mean, there'd- there'd be a lot of things that I'd be giving up that I've always imagined doing, like- like walking her down the aisle in her wedding dress.
Cameron: Or whispering in her husband's ear that he'll never replace me.
Jay: Well, that's interesting, because the minute it took me to accept the fact that my son was living a different kind of life than the one that I anticipated, Mitchell called me an old, straight, white bigot. And now you're just like me.

Mitchell: Cam, she was protecting us. But you don't have to, sweetie, okay? Don't feel like you can't be honest with us just to protect our feelings.
Lily: Really?
Cameron: Really. Hey, you can tell us anything.
Lily: Okay. I hate the painting, too.
Cameron: [whimpers]
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: It was hard for us to hear, but in the spirit of tolerance, we accepted the fact that a 9-year-old might not want to fall asleep under the watchful eyes of her half-naked fathers.
Cameron: Call the Sistine Chapel. I guess art is out.

Cameron: We just want to know why you called Tom a weirdo back at the house.
Lily: I don't know.
Mitchell: Okay, well, we don't make fun of people who are different, okay?
Cameron: You know how hard it was for Daddy and me? Growing up in Missouri, I was so mistreated that one of my best friends was an old scarecrow I found in the creek.
Mitchell: Some of your stories would be more impactful with fewer details.

Mitchell: Look, I-I love those people, too, but you did just admit they can be a little close-minded down there.
Cameron: Well, they are a little bit set in their ways. It was actually illegal to run for mayor without a mustache until 1980.
Mitchell: See? It's-
Cameron: And then again from '82 to '85.