Claire: You got in late last night, huh?
Luke: Yeah. It was payday, and a game of craps broke out in the kitchen. See this watch? Enrique's grandfather's.
Claire: You're giving it back, and remember, the second that job interferes with your grades, you're done. Did you finish your history report?
Luke: Just got to dot the I's and cross the T's... [quietly] and put in all the other letters.

Phil: Did nobody notice I was gone for 18 hours? Why aren't you all making posters?
Haley: I figured you were in your office.
Claire: I went to bed really early last night, and when I woke up this morning, I thought you'd gone for a run.
Phil: Alex? I can't believe this!
Claire: Well, honey, the important thing is that you are okay. Now, I'm very sorry, but I've got to get to work. We are bidding a big job against my old nemesis, Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets.
Phil: I'm back in there.

Joe: I want to live outside.
Gloria: No, Senor, we're not having that argument anymore.
Joe: Mowgli lives outside.
Jay: Is Mowgli that dirty kid at his preschool whose parents drive the car that runs on French fry oil?
Gloria: No. It's that dirty kid that runs around The Jungle Book. Jay, tell him he can't.
Jay: First time I saw Tarzan, I wanted to live outside. Dad said fine. I walked in the woods, met a hobo. Taught me how to open a can with a bird's beak.
Gloria: That story's not helping!

Joe: I'm doing it.
Gloria: No! Jay!
Manny: Of course not. Why learn self-reliance when the industrial machine depends on constant consumption? No eggs for me. I'll be having porridge.
Jay: Are you really still doing this?
[aside to camera:]
Manny: Over the summer, I went to a wedding in Juarez and met Frida, this amazing girl who enlightened me to how Communism can rid the world of injustice.

Jay: I'm gonna take a coffee to the guy putting up the security cameras.
Manny: It's not coffee the laborers need, Jay. It's dignity. And I'm going to fight for that until my fingers are raw and my back is bent.
Jay: Six months ago, we took you to the dermatologist for taking too many bubble baths.

Tom: Goal!
Mitchell: Nice shot, Tom.
Tom: Do you want to play with us?
Mitchell: You know, I'm off contact sports right now. I twisted my ankle playing running charades, but you two should get ready for dance class.

Cameron: Well, this bothers me. They're getting along great, and then one little spat, and her instinct is to go all baby bigot on him?
Mitchell: Well - and I say this with love - she did just get back from spending a full summer with your family in Missouri.
Cameron: Oh. So we're blaming my family, then?
Mitchell: I'm- I'm just saying maybe when she gets back from there, she needs to be reminded of our values. You know, un-hick her.
Cameron: Oh, the H-bomb! Possibly the most offensive slur ever thrown around in the South.
Mitchell: Well...

Gloria: Anyways, stop worrying about the remote control and worry about your own dog. She's peeing in the corner. Maybe if you ever leave her outside, she will guard us, and we wouldn't need cameras.
Jay: First of all, Stella's not peeing in the corner, because I housebroke her myself. Second of all, no dog of mine should ever have to work.

Phil: [aside to camera] Flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety... My imprisonment in the closet resulted in all the symptoms of PTSD. My insurance company helped me to find a therapy dog and agreed to cover everything, and then they found out I wasn't in the military.

Gloria: Input! I know you can hear me because I can see your green light!
Jay: It's like one of those videos where the pit bull swims with the baby chick. You just know something bad's gonna happen.