Malcolm: [to camera] He is right. Mom went way overboard. We didn't even do anything that bad.
[flashback:]
Malcolm: Okay, so if we give you Dewey's bike, Circus will eat a wet dog food sandwich.
Richie: Right.
Dewey: Sounds good.
Francis: Wait a minute. I don't want you ripping off my little brothers. You only get the bike if he eats the whole can.
Richie: Done. You the man, Circus. You the man. [guys groan]
Dewey: This is worth it. What you going to tell Mom?
[later:]
Dewey: [sniffles] [inaudible]
Malcolm: The guy pushed him off...
Dewey: [sniffles] [inaudible]
Malcolm: took the bike...
Dewey: [sniffles] [inaudible]
Malcolm: and then just ran off.
Dewey: [sniffles] [inaudible]
[present:]
Malcolm: [to camera] How'd she know we were lying? We were brilliant.

Hal: Okay, boys I got to go to work but before I do, I want to talk to you. Now, when I get home I get to plug this cord back into the TV. So you boys have to behave. You're not the only ones who've suffered with no TV. For all I know, there's a new wrestling champion. So I want you to get to school on time. Before you leave, you go in there and tell your mother to feel better.
Malcolm: Maybe we should just let her sleep.
Hal: She slept straight through the last 48 hours. I think it's okay to wake her up for five minutes.

Terry: Beautiful, huh? Just came in this week.
Hal: Just looking.
Terry: Please, take your time, take your time. Enjoy yourself.
Hal: Wow. I love this car.
Terry: Yeah.
Hal: Oh, I see you've added four ponies from last year.
Terry: We also put in the new skid control system.
Hal: Oh.
Terry: Hey, you know the new brochures came in. I could show you one if you want.
Hal: No, I should get to work.
Terry: Sir, can I ask is your job really so important that you can't allow yourself five minutes of pleasure?
Hal: I have no response to that.

Reese: All right! This'll be great!
Malcolm: No, wait, we can't. Someone will see us. We're supposed to be in school. Okay. We'll just stay inside and watch T- Oh, dang! Just give me some time to think.

Reese: I can't believe it! Francis ratted on us to Mom!
Dewey: [covers ears] No, he wouldn't do that. You did it!
Reese: Shut up! He sold us out! Francis is dead to us now! Wait a minute. That makes me the oldest brother. Guys, seriously. If you have any problems, you can come to me. Dewey, get me some iced tea.
Dewey: No!
Reese: [grabs letter] We should just give this to Mom and let him fry.
Malcolm: Right. No, wait! It's Francis. We can't just take Mom's word for it.

Terry: You know, Hal, owning a Porsche is not just for the wealthy anymore. My lifemate and I, we both drive 'em.
Hal: Really? Oh, she's a very lucky lady. [picks up picture of Terry and another man] Oh. A blond.
Terry: This is going to sound cliched, Hal but what can I do to put you in that car today?
Hal: You can give me $90,000. [both laugh]
Terry: That's funny. Seriously, we have all kinds of financial plans available. Why don't we take it for a test drive?
Hal: Nah, I- I don't know. I would have to call work and-
Terry: There's a phone in the car.

Reese: So, do we give Mom the letter now or wait till dad gets home and give him both barrels?
Dewey: Now! Do it now!
Malcolm: We're not giving Mom the letter.
Reese: Of course we are! We have to! He's a traitor! He has to pay! He must suffer!
Malcolm: We can't give Mom the letter. She'd kill him. But we can make him think we're giving her the letter. We could make him think we're scuzzy, dirty backstabbers just like he is.
Reese: Oh, okay.

Malcolm: [answers phone] Hello?
Francis: Hey, it's me.
Malcolm: Well, if it isn't the snitch. Hi, snitch.
Francis: Come on, Malcolm. Let's just end this before it gets out of control. I know how you guys feel.
Malcolm: You do, huh? How do we feel?
Francis: Well... bad.
Malcolm: No. The words that come to my mind are revenge, payback, envelope.
Francis: Malcolm, you're not going to give Mom the letter.
Malcolm: I don't think you're in any position to call the shots.
Francis: No, but Richie should be right about now.
Malcolm: Richie?
Richie: [stands behind Malcolm] Yeah?

Hal: That was the best 12 minutes of my life.
Terry: Well, I'm glad to hear that, Hal. You know, there are a couple of people I'd like you to meet.

Malcolm: Hey, you can tear up the house if you want with my mom here and explain it to her or you can quit and slink away like the monosyllabic mouth-breathers you are.
Francis: [on the phone] What'd he say?
Richie: He said a lot of things but the gist of it is, we got to tear up the house.