Malcolm: Did Grandpa really punch Jimmy Carter in the face?
Lois: [drowsy] No, he just threw a rock at the motorcade and ran off.
[later:]
Dewey: Did you really give my red blanket to the poor kids?
Lois: No, your father used it to clean the barbecue.
[later:]
Reese: I was really adopted, wasn't I?
Lois: Oh, you're ours and we love you.
Reese: Damn.

Malcolm: So, um... I don't know.
Dewey: What's your favorite color?
Lois: [drowsy] For the third time, green.
Malcolm: Let's just go.
Reese: Wait. I got a good one. How'd you know Dewey's bike wasn't really stolen?
Malcolm: That is a good one.
Lois: Francis told me. [falls back asleep]

Francis: [answers phone] Hey, Malcolm, everything okay?
Malcolm: Um, Francis we were just wondering... Mom said you ratted on us about Dewey's bike. But she's probably just mixed up, right? Because you're our big brother and you wouldn't do something like that. Francis?
Francis: You don't know what kind of pressure I was under!
Malcolm: You butt-wipe! How could you?
Reese: Well, did he do it?
Malcolm: I can't believe you! You're our big brother! You're supposed to protect us, not betray us.
Reese: He did it, didn't he?

Francis: [on the phone] Malcolm, just let me explain.
Malcolm: And then you actually have the nerve to ask us to risk our butts for you? Maybe we should just give the letter to Mom.
Francis: No, you can't do that!
Malcolm: Yeah, why not?
Francis: Because if you give the letter to Mom she'll know it's not Sunday.
Malcolm: Ah, I'll just tell her it came special delivery.
Francis: Yeah, well, she won't believe it 'cause she would have to sign for it.
Malcolm: I could forge her signature.
Francis: But then she'll know you can forge her signature.
Malcolm: Which won't matter at all because she'll be so mad at you she won't even think about me for a few days. And even if she does, I'll just tell her I didn't want to disturb her. So in addition to you getting nailed, I'll get points for being sympathetic.
Francis: Put Reese on the phone.

Reese: I'm really sorry, you guys.
Malcolm: For what? You were perfect. You did exactly what I thought you'd do.
Reese: What are you talking about?
Malcolm: They have a fake letter. I knew Francis wouldn't leave us alone without getting something and I knew you'd give it away. I knew exactly what everyone would do.
Reese: So where's the real letter?
Malcolm: I had to think of the one place they'd never think of looking. I had to give it to the one person they'd never think I'd give it to. I did the most brilliant thing of all: I gave it to Dewey.
Dewey: And I hid it under Mom's pillow.
Malcolm: You what?!

Malcolm: Mom, stop it. You're sick.
Lois: I'm too mad to be sick. No, he has finally done it this time. Where is that brochure for the work farm in Arizona? He thinks military school is tough? Just wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait! [runs into the bathroom and retches]

Francis: [on the phone] Hey, Malcolm?
Malcolm: Hi, Francis.
Francis: Look, I'm sorry about all this. I shouldn't have sent those guys over. It was stupid.
Malcolm: You know, Francis, we never intended to show the letter to Mom. We just wanted to scare you.
Francis: Yeah, I know. You guys would never do that to me.
Malcolm: But if she did see the letter you know it was just an accident, right?
Francis: Yeah, but Richie has the letter. [Malcolm is silent] Please tell me Richie has the letter.
Malcolm: Richie has coupons. Mom has the letter. But like I said, it was just an accident. I swear.
Francis: So the thing you've been threatening to do all day but had no intention of doing, you did but didn't mean to?
Malcolm: Yeah. You can yell at us now.
Francis: [sighs] No, I guess I deserve it. I shouldn't have ratted on you guys. Mom was just really pressuring me about coming home and, well, I folded.
Malcolm: Coming home?
Francis: Yeah, she said that if I wanted to come home for the summer, I had to tell her about the bike. But that's a just a lame excuse. I'm sorry. [hangs up]
Malcolm: [to camera] Actually, that was a pretty good excuse.

Malcolm: Oh, my God! You guys we can save Francis.
Reese: What?
Malcolm: Think about it. Every time she gets mad she forgets about everything else in the world except for things she's mad at. That focus is the key to her power.
Reese: So?
Malcolm: So Mom won't care so much about sending Francis to a work farm if she's busy being mad at someone else, like at us.
Reese: We can do that.
Dewey: Yeah.
Malcolm: You don't understand. We're going to have to get in real trouble. More trouble than we've ever been in in our entire lives. And we can't make it look like we're doing it on purpose. I just want you to know what you guys are in for.
Reese: We owe it to him.

Malcolm: Okay. We got Dad's skating trophy, Mom and Dad's wedding portrait, Mom's favorite lamp. No, Dewey, it's stuff they like, not you.
Dewey: Oh. Good!
Malcolm: Paint?!
Reese: Yeah. That way, we not only destroy the stuff, we take out the driveway, splash on the house and, with any luck, get some collateral damage to the neighbors. What a waste! For any other reason, this would've been the funnest thing ever.
Malcolm: Okay, guys have the last candy bars of your childhood.

Malcolm: Hey, Dewey, wake up! It's Monday morning.
Dewey: Hooray!
Malcolm: [to camera] I never thought I'd be happy about a Monday but today's the end of two months of being grounded. Two months! [to Reese] What are you doing?
Reese: Shut up. I have to finish my history homework.
Malcolm: Reese, we couldn't do anything all weekend. No friends, no TV... We did absolutely nothing and you still managed not to do your homework?