Malcolm: Isn't it great when the girl asks the... [gasps] Angela. I totally forgot. Oh, man, I've got two dates to the Spring Dance. It's sort of like that old episode of... well, every show. If you think about it, it's actually a pretty interesting challenge. [Stevie's wheel gets stuck] I mean, Urkel did pretty well with the identical cousin trick until he got greedy and made himself a duke. And Potsie doesn't count because one of his turned out to be a dude. Stevie, are you even listening to me?
Stevie: Two girls... ...two families. I don't have... two lungs!
Malcolm: What does that have to do with...
Stevie: People with... your luck... aren't allowed... to be creeps. Just... choose!
Malcolm: Yeah, all right. [walks off and leaves Stevie stuck]

Lois: Excuse me. What's this "SV" at the bottom?
Alfredo: That's the service charge.
Lois: Service charge? What service charge?
Alfredo: We add 15% for the service. We had a lot of people stiffing the waiters. We've been doing it for years.
Lois: Forcing people to tip without telling them? We've been double-tipping without realizing it all this time.
Alfredo: There's a notice right here. That piddly little sign? That's what you use to justify it?
Reese: Oh, no. Is this gonna be "shoe store" bad or "circus" bad?
Malcolm: I think it's gonna be "ten-items-or-less aisle" bad.
Hal: Is our car on fire? I think I hear sirens. We better go.
Lois: You put up a little sign that nobody can read, and that gives you the right to steal?! Where is the manager?! I want to see the manager! Don't you give me that look.
Dewey: I probably won't see you for a while, Manolo. Lo siento mucho.

Malcolm: No, I am not Copernicus. [laughter]
Maria: Did you isolate something which eventually killed you?
Malcolm: No, I am not Madame Curie. [to camera] This is so cool. When we play at my house, we can only use cartoon characters. Cartoon characters we saw that day.
Ivan: Okay, do you believe in life after love?
Malcolm: No, I am not Cher. [laughter]
Ivan: We'll never beat him!