Barney: [enters, on the phone] Seriously, that's the last time I'm gonna call you today. Okay. Good-bye. You didn't hang up either! I know! You hang up! You hang up! My bookie. Great guy.
Ted: So let me get this straight. A funeral is the one time you don't suit up?
Barney: Have I taught you nothing, Ted?
Ted: Virtually.
Barney: Suits are full of joy. They're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.
Ted: "Sartorial"?
Barney: "Of or pertaining to tailors or their trade." Suits are for the living. That's why when it's my time to R.I.P. I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it buck naked. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies. What up?!
[Barney holds his hand up for a high-five. A giggling Marshall is the only one to accept]

Barney: Ted, oh my gosh, I love this moment. You know why? Because I'm gonna say it and this time you're actually gonna say yes. You ready? You ready to say yes? Ted, suit up!
Ted: Yes! No.
Barney: Oh, come on!

[flashback to earlier that night:]
Barney: Hi, Shannon.
Shannon: What are you doing here?
Barney: Just listen. When you left me for that guy Greg, it changed me. Now, I'm this. I-I know this is crazy. It's just, you were once such a big part of my life. And it just seemed insane that you didn't know who I am now. So here I am. And then she told me about her life.
[back:]
Barney: She and Greg dated for a while and then split up. But here's the real kicker: Shannon's a mom. She has a little kid named Max. That's crazy. That could have been my kid. But instead, what do I have? My whole life's some money in the bank, some suits in my closet and a string of one-night stands.
Lily: Hey. Come on. I mean, just because her life went one way and yours went another, it doesn't make your life any worse.
Barney: My life rocks! Money, suits and sex. These are tears of joy! I could be cooped up in some tiny apartment changing some brat's poopy diapers. But instead, I'm out in the world being awesome 24-7, 365! You let me dodge a bullet, Big Guy.

Barney: [on tape] Shannon! I love you! I love you so much. What about us changing the world together? Don't tell me you've forgotten. I know I haven't. [singing] Will I ever see another rainbow? Will an eagle ever soar through this tempest of woe? Baby, please Don't go There's a thief in the palace, she's stolen all my love There's a thief in the palace and she's...

Ted: Okay, I want to lay down some ground rules for tonight. Barney, I actually like Victoria. A lot. So don't say anything embarrass... Don't say anything. And guys, I haven't exactly told Victoria that I used to have a kind of thing for Robin, so we you could just avoid the...
Barney: Well, well, well. How rich. You make me promise to be on my best behavior around your girlfriend, yet, you have been lying to her since day one. Excuse me. [takes phone out] Hi. Leg Warehouse? Yeah, my friend Ted needs something to stand on. So, nothing for him to stand on? Okay, and thanks so much.