Barney Quote #1851
Quote from Barney in The Fortress
Ted: Barney?
Barney: [as a floating head hologram] My son.
Ted: Barney, enough with the floating Jor-El head from the Fortress of Solitude in Superman, okay? It's getting old.
Barney: I only use it to say really important stuff.
Ted: Last time you used it to tell me Wendy's had introduced a spicy version of "The Baconator".
Barney: Exactly. And now, my son, it is time for me to bestow on you...
Ted: Can we just talk face-to-face like normal people?
Barney: Ted, just... Just... Okay? My son, it is time for me to bestow on you... [Ted opens the door to the closet where Barney is recording himself] Close the door.
Ted: No. This is...
Barney: Oh, my God, can you just be cool? Once? Please? Just once? Can you just once be cool? Once? Please?
How I Met Your Mother Quotes
‘The Fortress’ Quotes
Quote from Barney
Barney: [as a floating head, like Jor-El] My son for many years this apartment has been my Fortress of Barnitude. But now the time has come for me to pass it on. Soon, this place will become your "Fortress of Soli-Ted".
Ted: Barney, I wouldn't live here even if you scrubbed every inch of this place with Purell, amoxicillin and holy water.
Barney: Fine. But I think we can both agree, it would be totally awesome to see my deal floating around all huge-like on the big Jor-El cam. Hold on. Now, it's a little cold here in the Fortress, so don't judge the si...
[Ted places a chair up against the door handle of the closet Barney is filming in]
Barney: Ted, wait. What did you... That's... okay, that's not funny. Ted, open the... Uh, walls closing in. I can't... Can't breathe. Must... show deal on Jor-El cam... I can't... [passes out]
Quote from Barney
Robin: Hey, with the wedding so close, maybe we should talk about where we're going to live.
Barney: Fine, enough. Stop begging. We'll live here. But you owe me.
Robin: Yeah, I don't know. There's just a lot of things I don't totally love about your apartment.
Barney: Like what?
Robin: Well, for example, why is your bed on what look like train tracks?
Barney: [chuckles]
[flashback to Barney in bed with a woman:]
Woman: You were wonderful.
Barney: Well, you don't get to be a state-certified orgasmologist without learning how to please a woman.
Woman: You don't mind if I spend the night, do you?
Barney: Um, how else are we gonna get to know each other on a deeper level? Excuse me, I just have to log
tonight's orgasms with the licensing board.
[Barney gets out of bed and pulls a vase on the counter. The bed suddenly starts to recede into the wall. A new bed appears below it and raises into place.]
[present:]
Barney: The Ho-be-gone Sleep System by Stinson, patent pending.
Robin: What is on the other side of the wall? Where do the hos go?
Barney: [scoffs] What am I, a contractor?
Quote from Ted
Ted: Well, you know what might cheer you up?
Marshall: Hmm?
Ted: There's a new Woodworthy Manor on tonight.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Woodworthy Manor was a show about an upper class English estate at the beginning of the 20th century.
Man: [on TV, British accent] My word! You can't possibly mean...
Woman: [on TV, British accent] But I do! With the succession of Lady Eastbrooke to Viscountess of Marlyemead, our cousin Baldrick becomes... the Earl of Witherstead.
Ted: The Earl of Witherstead! I only posted that prediction 15 times on the forums!