Barney Quote #1851
Barney: [as a floating head hologram] My son.
Ted: Barney, enough with the floating Jor-El head from the Fortress of Solitude in Superman, okay? It's getting old.
Barney: I only use it to say really important stuff.
Ted: Last time you used it to tell me Wendy's had introduced a spicy version of "The Baconator".
Barney: Exactly. And now, my son, it is time for me to bestow on you...
Ted: Can we just talk face-to-face like normal people?
Barney: Ted, just... Just... Okay? My son, it is time for me to bestow on you... [Ted opens the door to the closet where Barney is recording himself] Close the door.
Ted: No. This is...
Barney: Oh, my God, can you just be cool? Once? Please? Just once? Can you just once be cool? Once? Please?
Quote from Ted
Ted: Well, you know what might cheer you up?
Ted: There's a new Woodworthy Manor on tonight.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Woodworthy Manor was a show about an upper class English estate at the beginning of the 20th century.
Man: [on TV, British accent] My word! You can't possibly mean...
Woman: [on TV, British accent] But I do! With the succession of Lady Eastbrooke to Viscountess of Marlyemead, our cousin Baldrick becomes... the Earl of Witherstead.
Ted: The Earl of Witherstead! I only posted that prediction 15 times on the forums!
Quote from Barney
Robin: Hey, with the wedding so close, maybe we should talk about where we're going to live.
Barney: Fine, enough. Stop begging. We'll live here. But you owe me.
Robin: Yeah, I don't know. There's just a lot of things I don't totally love about your apartment.
Barney: Like what?
Robin: Well, for example, why is your bed on what look like train tracks?
[flashback to Barney in bed with a woman:]
Woman: You were wonderful.
Barney: Well, you don't get to be a state-certified orgasmologist without learning how to please a woman.
Woman: You don't mind if I spend the night, do you?
Barney: Um, how else are we gonna get to know each other on a deeper level? Excuse me, I just have to log
tonight's orgasms with the licensing board.
[Barney gets out of bed and pulls a vase on the counter. The bed suddenly starts to recede into the wall. A new bed appears below it and raises into place.]
Barney: The Ho-be-gone Sleep System by Stinson, patent pending.
Robin: What is on the other side of the wall? Where do the hos go?
Barney: [scoffs] What am I, a contractor?
Quote from How I Met Everyone Else
Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.
Quote from The Three Days Rule
Ted: Barney, the three days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?
Marshall: Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.
Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait 3 days thing. He waited 3 days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he have only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Jesus, what up?" And Jesus would probably be, like, "What up? I died yesterday". And then they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude". And then he would have to explain how he was resurrected and how it was a miracle. And then, the dude would be, like, "Okay, whatever you say, bro".
Robin: Wow, ancient dialogue sounds so stilted now.
Barney: And he's not going to come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy doing chores. Working the loom, trimming their beards. No. He waits the exact right number of days... Three.
Ted: OK, I promise, I'll wait three days. Just please stop talking.
Barney: Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already. They're all in there, "Oh, no, Jesus is dead". Then, bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle. Everyone's totally psyched. And, FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. Three days, Ted. We wait three days to call a woman because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait. True story.