Barney: I see what this is about. Have you forgotten what I said to you the night we met?
[flashback:]
Barney: Ted, I'm going to teach you how to live. [off Ted's look] Barney, we met at the urinal.
Ted: Oh, right. Hi.
Barney: Lesson one, lose the goatee. It doesn't look good with your suit.
Ted: I'm not wearing a suit.
Barney: Lesson two, get a suit. Suits are cool. Exhibit A. Lesson three, don't even think about getting married till you're... thirty.

Lily: We're coming with you.
Ted: Barney?
Barney: Alright, but under one condition.
[cut to:]
Barney: Look at you, you beautiful bastard, you suited up! This is totally going in my blog!

Ted: Okay. Moment of truth. Wish me luck.
Barney: Ted's gonna get it on with a TV reporter. "This just in." Okay... [raises hand for a high-five]

Robin: Wow, that is one bad-ass blue French horn.
Ted: Yeah.
Robin: Mmm.
Ted: Sort of looks like a Smurf penis.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Son, a piece of advice. When you go on a first date you really don't wanna say "Smurf penis". Girls don't ordinarily like that. [Robin chortles] But that was no ordinary girl.

Ted: Hey.
Barney: Where's your suit!? Just once when I say suit up, I wish you'd put on a suit.
Ted: I did that one time.
Barney: It was a blazer!

Barney: And as your best friend, I suggest we play a little game I like to call... "Have you met Ted?"
Ted: Wait. No, no, no. We're not playing "Have You Met Ted?"
Barney: [taps a woman on the shoulder] Hi, have you met Ted? [moves away]
Ted: [to Yasmine] Hi, I'm Ted.
Ted: It's a very pretty name.
Yasmine: Thanks, It's Lebanese.

Lily: Ugh. I'm exhausted. It was finger painting day at school, and a five year old boy got to second base with me.

Ted: Why am I freaking out all of a sudden? This is crazy! I'm not ready to settle down.
Barney: How does Carl land a Lebanese girl?
Ted: The plan's always been "Don't even think about it till you're thirty"
Barney: Exactly. The guy doesn't even own a suit!

Ted: Plus, Marshall's found the love of his life. Even if I was ready, which I'm not, but if I was it's like, "Okay, I'm ready! Where is she?" [sees Robin]
Future Ted: [v.o.] And there she was.

Ted: Oh, your friends don't seem too happy.
Robin: Yeah, see, the one in the middle just got dumped by her boyfriend, so tonight every guy is... "the enemy".
Ted: You know, if you want to make your friend feel better, you could throw a drink in my face. I don't mind.
Robin: She would love that! It does look fun in the movies.