Ted: Okay, fine. I admit it. She's crazy. Obviously. But I'm not in this for the long haul. It's just, you know, it's just fun.
Barney: Of course it's fun, at first. But then when she starts calling out the name of her high school science teacher in the throes of passion, it's really fun. But then when she starts bringing knives into bed and making you fear for your safety? It's really, really fun. But then when she starts unbuttoning your pants while you're being forced to drive blindfolded down the freeway with a gun pointed at your... I'm sorry, what were we talking about?
Ted: Jeanette.
Barney: Oh, right. That girl's crazy. You gotta break up with her.

Marshall: Wait a second. [Boston accent] Is she a cop?
Ted: [Boston accent] I think she's a cop!
Marshall: Did you know she was a cop?
Ted: I didn't know she was a cop!

Future Ted: Kids, early in this story, you may recall me saying something along the lines of...
Ted: Okay, no more dating. I am ready to settle down.
Future Ted: And at the time, I probably thought I meant it. But, kids, I'll be honest. Being single's fun. As a young unattached man in New York City, I had a great time. A great time. What was I saying? Oh, yeah. I had such a great time that it took someone very special to make me want to settle down. And that someone... was Jeanette. What made Jeanette so special? Well...
Jeanette: That was a foul! [throws bottle at the TV]
Future Ted: Jeanette was the last girl I dated before I met your mother. The girl who finally got me to say...
Ted: No more dating. I'm ready to settle down.
Future Ted: And really mean it.

Ted: Oh, really? And are you guys saying this because you don't want me to be with Jeanette, or because you want me to stay single so you guys can keep your clubhouse? J'accuse!
Future Ted: [v.o.] I had a point, and they knew it. You see, in early 2013, I was the only single guy in the group. Which meant whenever Marshall or Barney bought something they weren't allowed to keep in their apartments...
[montage of Ted taking delivery of Marshall's arcade game, Barney's Stormtrooper, Marshall's cotton candy machine, Barney's scooter, Marshall's horse, Barney's kayak -which he magically carries in holding both the front and back]

Barney: You know what, Ted? That reminds me. I just bought this antique Swiss clock, but Robin won't let us put it in the apartment, so I was gonna leave it at your place. Only problem? It's broken. So I was just gonna sit here and try to fix it while maybe you tell us what you and Jeanette did last night?
Ted: Okay. Well, Jeanette is a big Marilyn Monroe fan.
Barney: [cuckoo clock sounds] There you go! Now it's working! Sorry. Sorry. Go on. Go on. She's a Marilyn Monroe fan so I guess you watched one of her movies?
Ted: Uh... No, we had a seance.
Barney: [cuckoo clock sounds] Look at that! Good as new. Anyway, were you able to contact Marilyn in the spirit world?
Ted: No. We talked to her cat.
Barney: [cuckoo clock sounds repeatedly] Screw loose! That's the problem.

Lily: Uh-oh. Looks like somebody's hungry. I'm gonna get his food ready. Robin, can you grab him?
Robin: Can I? Try and stop me!
Future Ted: [v.o.] Now, kids, what Lily didn't realize... what none of us realized, in fact... was that in the eight months since your cousin Marvin was born, Robin had never once held him. The truth was, the thought of
holding him terrified her, so she had always avoided it, ever so discreetly.
[flashback:]
Ted: Can you hold...
Robin: [spills red wine all down her top] Oh, shoot! Look at that! Oh, geez.
[present:]
Marshall: I got him. Come here, you little munchkin.
Robin: Aw, man... Oh, well, I call next.

Ted: Hey, I'm back. Did I miss anything?
Barney: Nope.
Ted: Did Jeanette come by?
Barney: Jeanette? I know lots of Jeanettes.
Marshall: Um...
Ted: Guys!
Barney: Okay, she came by because she forgot her book. So we let her go up in your room and get it.
Ted: And then?
Marshall: And then what?
Ted: And then she left?
Barney: I think... she left. [glass smashes]
Ted: Are you sure she left?
Marshall: I am... 90% sure... that she left. [crashing sound]
Barney: 80 percent. [crashing sound] Actually, I'm gonna change my answer. I am now starting to think she never left, and instead she barricaded herself in your room.
Jeanette: And I'm never coming out!
Barney: A hundred percent.

Ted: I cannot believe you guys!
Barney: Well, maybe if you had given us a warning that she was crazy!
Marshall: Dude, it's okay. She can't stay in there forever. She'll have to come out to eat and drink and go to the bathroom, right?
Future Ted: [v.o.] Now, a few months earlier, the East Coast had been hit by a bad storm, and some intelligent, forward-thinking New Yorkers took it as a wake-up call, making sure to stock their bedrooms with enough food and water to last months, not to mention a portable waste management system. It was really the smart thing to do.
Marshall: You dumbass!
Barney: Really, Ted. How could you be so unbelievably stupid?
Ted: No, no, you guys are the ones who invited a vampire into my apartment! This is your fault! And P.S., if this disaster had been a superstorm instead of a hot lunatic, you'd all be begging to eat my freeze-dried protein paste and crap in my biohazard bucket. Just sayin'.

Lily: So, Jeanette's squatting in your room?
Barney: What are you guys doing here?
Robin: We heard you screaming from three blocks away.
Lily: Why is she in there?
Barney: Lily, there is no reason why. That's like asking why is the earth round? Why does the sun come up in the morning? What do I do for a living? There are some questions we're not meant to know the answer to. Crazy girls are crazy because they're crazy.

Lily: She broke your TV with a beer bottle?
Ted: In her defense, she was aiming for the window.
Marshall: Dude, you gotta get rid of this girl.
Barney: Agreed. Cray-cray gotta go bye-bye before you get stab-stabbed.