Cub: Not before you get your life jackets and sign this waiver, please.
Tim: Great.
Cub: If you could just come over here.
Tim: "I understand that river-rafting involves risks which include injury..." Great. "Fatality due to capsizing, collision, drowning or hypothermia." [sings] Happy birthday to me...

Tim: Al, you knew I wanted to plan my own birthday. Why did you agree to do this?
Al: Well, it sounded like fun, you know? Besides, I wanted to try out my new Binford Trout Buddy.
Tim: You call yourself a friend? I would never spend your birthday with you.

Al: We got a safety lecture coming up.
Tim: Ooh, Safety lecture.
Al: I know. Real men don't need safety lectures.
Kyle: Yeah? Who's the real man?
Tim: That would be me. Tim Taylor. Who are you?
Kyle: You know, that's a good question. Ever since the war, I've been trying to figure that out. But with the flashbacks and the thumping in my brain, it's been tough.
Tim: I was just looking for a name.
Kyle: [smiles] I'm Kyle, your guide.

Kyle: You hit a rock. Half the boat wants to go to the right. The other half wants to go to the left. Now you've got to make a decision. What do you do? Taylor!
Tim: Kicking some Martian butt! Ha!
Jill: Tim!

Al: Kyle, is there any way that she can stay off the river but still go camping with us?
Tim: Al?
Kyle: Sure. You can stay with my wife. You gals can spend the day together and she can drive back to the camp at night.
Jill: Are you sure she doesn't mind that?
Kyle: Oh, no. She's got a light day. All she has to do is cobble my shoes and make soup out of bark.

Heidi: Gosh, you guys! It's so beautiful out here. The blue sky, the trees...
Tim: Not to mention these leeches.
Kyle: There are no leeches on this river.
Al: Well, just in case, I brought some Leech Be Gone.
Kyle: Never use that!
Al: Huh?
Kyle: Ruins the taste.

Tim: So, Kyle, we know that you like parasites. How long have you been a guide on the river here?
Kyle: Ever since my army buddy got me the gig. Then he passed away.
Tim: Sorry to hear that.
Kyle: They say it was natural causes, but I say the government killed him.
Tim: Kyle, what do you say we get you into the shade, huh?

Heidi: That was incredible!
Al: Totally awesome!
Tim: No, no, no. What would be awesome is watching Dale Earnhardt fly around a tri-oval at about 200 miles an hour, okay?
Wilson: Tim, can't you just enjoy yourself?
Kyle: Yeah, well, that was just a Class 2 rapid. Down river we got some 3's and 4's that'll fill up those drawers.
Tim: Promises, promises.

Luanne: Bark's tender. Would you like some soup?
Jill: No. I think I'll just wait till the others get back. Besides, isn't the rafting company supposed to bring us our dinner?
Luanne: Yeah. But you don't want to eat that poison.
Jill: I don't?
Luanne: You know what USDA stands for? "US Deceives Americans."

Jill: How was it?
Tim: Oh, it was great. A couple of birthday bug bites, some birthday river up my birthday butt, couldn't be birthday better.
Jill: You didn't have a good time?
Tim: Yeah, yeah. Yes, I did. Yeah, of course it was a great time. I'm just a little hungry, I guess.
Al: Oh, I've got just the thing for you. A hot, steaming bowl full of wood. Try it. The bark's got a little bite to it. [chuckles]