Wilson: Well, hidey ho, river rats.
Heidi: Cool helmet.
Wilson: Yes, this is the kayaking helmet I wore on my last river trip. I kayaked in Chile.
Tim: I've swam in chili myself.

Kyle: You know, birthday boy, you look a little familiar.
Tim: Well, I have a very popular television show.
Kyle: I don't own a TV. The government uses the airwaves to send subliminal messages to destroy our minds.
Tim: And you certainly wouldn't want anyone messing with that noggin.
Kyle: Yeah. Well, this noggin, it's the only thing standing between you and an ugly watery death. Fluid fills your lungs, your throat closes up, your brain shuts down.
Tim: [sings] Happy birthday to Timmy. Happy birthday to me.

Al: [snores]
Wilson: I haven't heard sounds like that since I was in Nairobi studying the breathing patterns of warthogs.
Jill: Maybe if he had another pillow?
Kyle: Done. [plants a pillow on Al's face]
Jill: Under him!
Tim: [hums] Hot shower and a little breakfast. Whoo! Did I sleep well or what! I've got some hot cheese blintzes in the oven, guys! Huh?
Wilson: Shut up!
[They all throw their pillows at Tim]

Al: I have to go to the bathroom.
Wilson: Again?
Al: Shut up!
Tim: Old Al "The River Runs Through Him" Borland.

Al: Oh, you'll have to forgive Tim. He can't help being an insensitive lout!
Kyle: You're no picnic either, Sinus Boy.
Wilson: Yeah, tell me about it! I was up all night. I never had this problem with my kayaking buddies.
Al: Would you quit yakking about your kayaking?
Wilson: Well, it's better than listening to your boring stories of how you and your mom went to Anchorage and caught fish with your hands.
Tim: Lucky she wasn't harpooned.

All: [sing] Michael, row the boat ashore Hallelujah
Kyle: [sings] Then the Feds, they tax him more They'll always screw you!
Heidi: Oh, my God! What is that?
Kyle: Relax. Relax. Last time they landed, they were very nice to me.
Al: Sounds like some kind of a bus.
Kyle: Could be the rafting company's luxury motor coach.
Al: Maybe it's the Oak Ridge Boys!

Tim: Oh, yeah. Yeah! Oh, sweet mystery of life.
Randy: I told you not to do that Tool Time salute to nerve gas.
Tim: If I'd found this chair before I found your mother, you wouldn't be around to make that joke.
Jill: [enters] Hi, guys. What are you doing?
Tim: Just practicing for my day by myself for my birthday. The guys gave me this at work. It's got little slots for my drinks and my selection of fine aerosol cheeses.

Jill: Oh, I was gonna give it to you at dinner tonight, but I'm too excited.
Tim: Does it have anything to do with NASCAR racing or chewable antacids?
Jill: [chuckles] Not even close.
Tim: A little boat for the bathtub?
Jill: No. Look under it. Under it. No, in the box! In the box.
Tim: Oh, look. Airline tickets.
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: You planned something for my birthday?
Jill: Yes, I've been planning it for months.
Tim: I told you not to plan anything for my birthday.
Jill: Ah, you say that every year.
Tim: Yes, I do.

Jill: Hi, we're the Taylors.
Cub: I'm Cub. Welcome to Rafting Adventures, where rafting is an adventure.
Tim: Did you think that up all by yourself, Cub?
Cub: No, no. That was some college dude.

Tim: Is there any way I can upgrade us to this imperial package?
Cub: Well, sure. Sure.
Tim: Well, great. Let's just keep it between us.
Cub: Oh, okay.
Tim: And this ought to cover it. While you're at it, why don't you buy yourself a real name?