Jill: What kind of a boob would order a luxury bus on a camping trip?
Tim: Come on. Come on. Look at this thing. Detroit diesel-powered, convection oven, sleeps six...
Jill: A luxury bus on a camping trip?
Tim: Oh, but you hurt your back. I wanted you to be more comfortable.
Jill: No, no, no, no. There was no phone on that raft. You did this before I was hurt.
Tim: Okay, okay. I wanted me to be more comfortable.

Jill: Well, I can't believe you did this without telling me.
Tim: You planned this whole birthday without telling me.
Jill: Well, duh! It was a surprise.
Tim: Well, a surprise is supposed to be something the other person likes. On my birthday, you just decide to do things and then drag me along.
Jill: I try to think of things that you like.
Tim: Oh, yeah. Like last year? On the way to the bed and breakfast, you stop off at a tulip festival?
Jill: That was fun.
Tim: You made me do the clog dance!

Jill: Look, if you didn't want to go rafting, why didn't you just tell me?
Tim: Oh, that would've gone over real well. "Honey, I know you busted your butt planning this whole thing, but I want to go to a NASCAR race by myself and feast on aerosol cheese."
Jill: Honey, it was your birthday. We could've done what you wanted.
Tim: It still is my birthday, and I want to stay in this bus.
Jill: I can't believe after 19 years of marriage, you still can't be honest with me.
Tim: I'm being honest with you right now.
Jill: Too late!

Brad: So did you have any luck with that stain?
Mark: You tell me.
Brad: Mark, what'd you put on there?
Mark: I thought I heard Mom say that red wine takes out soda stains.
Brad: No, you idiot. Soda takes out red wine stains.
Mark: This is bad, isn't it?
Brad: Well, let's see. Mom and Dad come home and the couch is stained and the whole place smells of booze.
Mark: We gotta get rid of the smell.
Brad: You're right. Let's try some bleach.

Tim: Would you guys stop paddling a minute? My magazine's getting all wet.
Kyle: You know, Taylor, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Your wife takes the time to plan this great trip for you. And what do you do? You piddle all over it.
Tim: Hey, look! It's my party, I'll piddle if I want to.

Jill: Maybe next year I'll let Tim plan his own birthday.
Luanne: That would be wise. We have to do whatever we can to keep our marriages strong.
Jill: You're very insightful, Luanne.
Luanne: Well, I have to be. Because the evil forces of the world are out to get us.
Jill: What evil forces?
Luanne: The dairy farmers and the people who make aluminum foil.

Al: [to Tim] Shut up!
Wilson: Shut up!
Tim: You shut up!
Al: No, you shut up! Shut up!
Heidi: Shut up, Tim!
Kyle: Oh, I can't take it anymore! So much noise I can't hear the voices in my head.
Tim: Oh, our guide has voices in his head. How about this one? Incoming!
Kyle: Over! [jumps out of the raft]
Al: Oh, great, Tim. Now we don't even have a guide. This is all your fault!
Tim: This isn't my fault. I didn't want to go to this thing in the first place.

Tim: Since we're having such a good time, I've decided we should stay another day.
Luanne: Fine with me. Jill and I can spend tomorrow looking for holy visions in the algae!
Jill: Wow! How much fun that would be! But you know what? My back is really better. It's better. I think I should join you tomorrow.
Tim: All right!
[Jill groans as Tim hugs her]

Tim: Doesn't sound like they're home. The place looks nice.
Jill: Yeah. I told you we could trust them.
Tim: Didn't we used to have a couch? You didn't pack that, did you?