Al: Well, where's Bradley?
Jill: He's spending Christmas Eve alone in his room sulking.
Tim: It's his way of rebelling.
Al: Oh, yeah, well... I remember my first Christmas rebellion. I was so mad. My parents went out and bought an artificial tree. The whole Christmas I refused to sing "O Tannenbaum."
Tim: Oh, my. You were a bad, bad Borland. [Al hangs his head in shame] [to Jill:] You all right?
Al: Yeah, I'm OK. It was a long time ago.

Tim: Your mom and I specifically said you don't go skiing, and you were gonna disobey us.
Brad: I wasn't disobeying you. You said I couldn't go with the Wheelers, and I'm not.
Tim: Well, how are you gonna get there?
Brad: Hitchhike.
Tim: Hitchhike? Sit down over here.
Brad: Dad, all I wanted to do was be with my friends. A lot of people I like are gonna be down there.
Tim: Christmas is not about being with people you like! It's about being with your family.

Jill: Oh, honey. I'm so glad you came.
Brad: If you're so glad, how come you're crying?
Jill: I get a little emotional around the holidays. I see I'm not the only one.
Tim: Oh, no. This isn't emotion. It's Al. He's not wearing any deodorant.
Reverend: [handing out candles] I don't think so, Tim.

Wilson: Oh, oh, oh, Tim, that is a lovely use of neon. Reminds me of the Christmas I spent in Las Vegas.
Tim: You really like it, Wilson?
Wilson: Oh, I think you've reached the apex of your Christmas decorating career.
Tim: I hope I can convince those stupid judges of that.
Wilson: Well, there's only one judge this year.
Tim: Just one?
Wilson: Mm-hmm. And it's me.
Tim: Did I say stupid? I meant stupendous. [Wilson laughs] Well, if you're the judge, we've kinda got a leg up on the competition.
Wilson: Well, I don't know. Doc Johnson's display is very effective. Plus, I used to be a patient of his.
Tim: Huh?

Tim: Brad, you put Blitzen's light in Rudolf's nose.
Jill: Oh, Tim, does one bulb make that big a difference?
Tim: Yes. I'm a perfectionist. Wilson, hold off the judging till I get this finished.
Jill: Be careful up there. It's slippery.
Tim: Don't worry, honey.
Jill: Yeah, I've heard that before.
Brad: Hey, Dad, be careful if the light bulb is wet.
Tim: It'll be fine. [electrical crackle]
Wilson: Well, good golly, Taylors, I think you won the contest. I did not realize there was a full-size electric Tim on the roof.

Jill: You are gonna be the cutest little choirboy in the whole service.
Mark: You don't think I look geeky?
Jill: No. You look Christmassy. If this were Veterans Day, you'd look geeky.
Tim: [enters] Jill, you won't believe what Doc Johnson's doing.
Jill: Hi.
Tim: Oh, hi, Mark. Nice robe. What's the "N" mean? "Naked under this robe and no one can tell."
Jill: Hey, show a little respect. You're talking to the "N" in "Noel."
Mark: I still think I look geeky.
Jill: You look very handsome. Now, let's get this thing off before your brothers come home and see you.

Brad: Well, it is this weekend.
Jill: Brad!
Brad: But, Mom, it's perfect. I mean, I don't have school, and I can take your presents with me and open them there.
Tim: [to the statue] Do you feel the love in this room? Do you?
Jill: Brad, the family is always together at Christmas. We open our stockings together, we talk to the relatives on the phone... You have your new saxophone. You could play along while we sing carols. And I'm gonna make Nana's special oyster pecan stuffing.
Tim: Ugh! Do you suppose there's room for one more skier in that car?

Tim: [sings] Jingle bells, shotgun shells, Granny's on the run Oh, what fun...
Wilson: Hi-dee-ho-ho-ho-ho, good neighbor.
Tim: And a merry Christmas to you, too, Wilson.
Wilson: Well, Tim, I see the holidays find you among friends.
Tim: Yeah. This is for the roof display. These are the three wise tool guys.
Wilson: Oh. They come from so far, yet seem strangely familiar.
Tim: Yes, don't they?

Tim: Lemme guess. Brad's practicing on the saxophone, or there's an elephant giving birth upstairs.
Jill: Saxophone. Brad's so depressed about not going on the skiing trip, he's trying to play the blues.

Tim: I went to put the three wise tool guys up on the roof, and guess who's already got 'em up.
Jill: Doc Johnson.
Tim: Bingo. I swear to God he's got this house bugged.
Jill: Excuse me?
Tim: Well, how else is he getting this information?
Jill: Wait a minute. You might be right. [talks to a bauble on the tree] What's up, Doc? No, not tonight. You-know-who's gonna be here.
Tim: Do you actually think that's funny?
Jill: Yes.