Jill: Look, I don't think that Brad should risk his health like this.
Tim: It's not his health. Listen to this. Listen, listen, listen. Only 15 percent of his knees are at risk. He's only gonna play 85 percent of the time. So, you times that and you get... Five... Hold on a second... Fifteen times...
Brad: Dad...
Tim: Hold it. Just carry the five...
Brad: Dad, Dad... Wait a second! Dad, forget the math, all right? The decision's been made.

Jill: What are you making over there? It smells so good.
Wilson: This is my hearty beef stew.
Jill: You must have quite a crowd.
Wilson: No, no. No, no. No, just me. See, I cook it up in bulk. That way I have lunch for the next five years.
Jill: Don't you get bored?
Wilson: No, not at all. See, every three years I add crackers.

Wilson: So, what did the doctor say about Brad's knee?
Jill: He said it's 85 percent healed. There's a chance he'll hurt it again.
Wilson: Oh. So, I take it he's not gonna play?
Jill: He wants to. Tim wants him to. I'm just worried about serious damage. Do you think I'm being over-protective? Am I crazy?
Wilson: Well, no, you're not crazy to worry about Brad's health, but, to an athlete, sports are a microcosm of life, a battle of wills, a test of strength and character. Proving yourself as a man. Go, Conquistadores! See, I was co-captain of my high school chess team.
Jill: Not too many people get hurt playing chess.
Wilson: Well, that's not necessarily true. See, I dozed off once waiting for my opponent's next move, and the next thing I knew, I was impaled by a queen.

Jill: And your point would be what?
Wilson: Just that I understand why a young man like Brad would take a risk for a sport that he loves.
Jill: Well, so do I. But you know, what I'm worried about is I just don't feel like he's listening to his body. I didn't listen to my body for two years, and I ended up having to have a hysterectomy. I lost my uterus, the ovaries, the whole nine yards.
Wilson: Oh, that reminds me, I got to add onions.

Steve: Well, I could probably spare a few more minutes.
Tim: Okay, great! I'll hang with you. I got a bunch of jokes. Two pretzels were walking down the street. One was a salted.

Tim: So, this guy walks into a bar. He hears a voice that says, "You're very handsome today." The guy turns to the bartender and says, "Who said that?" The bartender says, "The peanuts. They're complimentary." I got a million of these. Oh, oh, oh. A priest, a minister and a rabbi. They're playing Twister. Oy vey!

Al: Now we're gonna continue with our week-long salute...
Tim: Stop for a minute. You know, folks, I've been doing this show for 10 years now. And Binford shows their appreciation by taking away all my tools and making me dress like a banana? You know, I'm as much a company man as the next guy, but eventually a Tool Man's got to do what a Tool Man's got to do. And I'm getting out of this stupid thing. [removes overalls]
Heidi: Yeah. Me, too. [removes overalls]
Tim: Thanks, Heidi. Al, you with us?
Al: Uh... I don't think so, Tim.
Tim: Come on, Al. This is about integrity, man.
Al: No, I'd really... I'd rather not.
Tim: Come on.
Al: I'd... No...
Tim: It's about unity, Al.
Al: I... I... No!
[When Tim rips Al's overalls off, he is wearing only a flannel dickey and a pair of boxers]

Al: It's not like Tim to be late. We go on in a couple of minutes.
Heidi: He said he was going out for an hour. He should be back by now. [Al groans] God!
Al: Well, maybe something happened.
Tim: Hey, what a day! My dream lunch. Two for one on pierogies from Stan's.
Al: Tim, you had us worried sick! I thought you were dead in a ditch!
Tim: Al? Pierogi?
Al: You betcha!
Heidi: Me, too.
Tim: You guys hurry up. We got a show to do.

Al: Well, you may not want to do the show once you find out what Binford did.
Tim: "To whom it may concern, only Binford tools are to be used on Tool Time effective immediately." So what? They always send me this memo. One more and my whole door is covered.
Al: Well, this time our CEO means business. While you were at lunch, Bud came in and confiscated every tool that isn't a Binford.
Tim: Ooh! Every tool we got out there is a Binford.
Al: Well, now, not every...
Tim: Don't worry about it. Let's just do the show, all right?

Jill: You're not supposed to play on your knee for another month.
Brad: Well, I guess that just changed. I'll just accelerate my rehab schedule.
Tim: Double your workouts.
Jill: No, I don't want you to rush it. I mean, there's a rehab schedule for a reason.
Tim: We'll just talk to his physical therapist, who will adjust his schedule. Or he can just work out with me.
Jill: Call the therapist.