Brad: I don't get it. You only used one line of dialog I gave you. What happened to all my great interviews?
Mark: I burned them. 'Cause I care.
Tim: Mark, I think that thing was great. It really was a good job. How about this? You come behind the scenes of Tool Time and do a brilliant documentary on dear old Dad.
Mark: Dad, I'm an artist, not a magician.

Heidi: And to guide us through this boulevard of broken dreams is the owner of Hernando's, Larry.
Tim: Larry, how're you doing?
Larry: Hey, Tool Man.
Al: Where's Hernando?
Larry: Hey, Al. Oh, he went to that great junkyard in the sky.
Tim: Years ago.
Larry: Yeah. Actually, Hernando's ashes, they're in the ashtray of that Metropolitan right there.
Tim: It was a great service, very emotional. Put him in there butt-first.

Tim: When I was a kid, remember that dog that used to bother me all the time?
Larry: You're talking about Snuggles?
Tim: Snuggles, yeah.
Larry: Oh, yeah. He's still here.
Tim: That's impossible. In dog years he'd be... Well, old.
Larry: He's right over here. Look for yourself. He likes the shade of this Hudson here. I don't know why.
Tim: What do you say, Snuggles? Remember me? [dog growls]
Larry: [chuckles] I haven't seen him move like that in years. He must really hate you.
Tim: He's probably still miffed since I told him he had to stop dating my leg.

Al: Now, you're probably wondering how anybody could find anything in a junkyard.
Larry: Well, you know, these days pretty much everything is computerized. Of course, that's the only computer I need, you know? A place for everything, and everything in its place.
Tim: All right, Mr. Organization. How about this? A 1967 Dodge Slant Six. Starter motor.
Larry: There you go. Slant Six. There's your starter right there. You have to try just a little bit harder to stump old Larry.
Tim: All right, Larry. How about this? A thermostat cover to a Bonneville. A 428.
Larry: How about right here on the end of the old bathroom key?
Al: That's just freaky.
Tim: No, that's just lucky.
Larry: Oh, yeah. And your career is built on, like, talent and skill, right?

Jill: How was soccer practice?
Brad: Great. Great. I have something for you.
Jill: Stinky soccer clothes you should be laundering yourself?
Brad: Ah, no. A hug.
Jill: I'll take that.

Brad: You know, a lot of guys on the team are sending in video resumes along with their applications.
Jill: You mean like soccer highlights?
Brad: Yeah. And talking about themselves. If I did one, it would be a chance to show those colleges "Brad, the guy."
Mark: I'm sure they're waiting by their mailboxes.
Brad: [forced chuckle] Anyways, I'd love to do a video but I heard these guys charge, like, a thousand bucks.
Jill: Well, you know, I know somebody that's really talented who could do it for considerably less.
Brad: You've gotta be kidding! Mark?
Jill: You already got the camera. You could do the editing at school. We'll pay for the tape.
Mark: Well, doing an interesting video about Brad would be a real tough challenge.
Brad: Yeah and me getting through without killing you would be an even tougher challenge, wouldn't it?

Brad: Hey, Mark. Maybe I used too much mousse.
Mark: You look like a pineapple.
Mark: Let me see your script.
Brad: I don't have a script. I figured I was just gonna wing it.
Mark: Won't the Ivy League love that?

Tim: Hey, hey, hey. I'm Tim Taylor. I'm Brad's dad. I just found my first car today. I'd like to keep it but somebody, I won't mention names, won't let me.
Jill: Cut.

Jill: Hey, Wilson.
Wilson: Well, top o' the morning to you, Taylor lass.
Jill: What are you doing there?
Wilson: Oh, some friends of mine from Ireland are getting married. I'm building them a wedding arch.
Jill: It's really beautiful.
Wilson: Well, thank you very much.

Brad: So, if you're looking for a star forward who's got all the right moves on and off the field, you gotta think Brad. All right? You got two choices. I could play for you, or I could play against you. Either way, I'll see you this fall. Hasta la vista, baby.