Tim: You know, this really isn't working out. Maybe you should find some other place to live.
Al: What are you saying? Are you throwing me out?
Tim: No.
Al: Good. Because you can't evict me.
Tim: Oh, yes, I can.
Al: No, you can't.
Tim: Yes, I can.
Al: No, you can't.
Tim: I'll sue you.
Al: I have an ironclad lease!
Tim: That won't hold up in a court of law. I know. I wrote it.

Jill: Have you thought about any of the ramifications of this? I mean, you two work together. What's gonna happen to your friendship?
Tim: That will be for the courts to decide, honey.
Jill: You're not going to work this out?
Tim: No. Because even if I did, I run the risk of Al forcing me to snake out his toilets. And that's a risk I'm not willing to take.
Jill: Okay. If you're not gonna talk to him, then I'm gonna do it for you.
Tim: Oh, good. Good luck. Go over there and talk, you'll end up sucking asbestos out of his attic.

Tim: Wilson, if you need firewood, I got plenty here. You don't have to chop down your house.
Wilson: No, no, no, Tim. I'm just knocking down some icicles. It's one of my favorite things, right up there with spreading steer manure on a hot summer day.
Tim: I'd rather spread steer manure than be Al's landlord.
Wilson: Really? I would've thought Al would've been the perfect tenant. That's why I gave him such an enthusiastic reference. Maybe I went a little bit overboard.
Tim: [chuckles] You're the only one that quoted Shakespeare on a rental application.
Wilson: So, you're saying objectively that the person at fault is the lessee as opposed to the lessor.
Tim: More or less.

Jill: I brought you a housewarming gift.
Al: Why would you do that? Your husband is trying to evict me.
Jill: Well, I think he's totally out of line.
Al: You really think that? Oh, I'm so glad you think that! Thank you! Oh! And that is why I'm going to fight him to the death on this. You know, he may have his money and his his big-city lawyers, but I have the sword of justice on my side. Jerky?

Al: Oh, no, no. She's right. We have some issues we have to discuss.
Tim: I say we just let bygones be bygones and start over. How about that?
Al: Oh, no, no, no. It goes much deeper than that, you know? I mean, this affects the very fabric of our relationship.
Tim: This is like talking to Jill with a beard.

Al: Now, Tim, I You know, I have some things to admit. I have been childish and petty and unreasonable throughout all of this.
Tim: Okay. I have a confession.
Al: Good.
Tim: You're absolutely right.
Al: Well, obviously, you're not ready to talk about these things. But, well, what the hey, you know? You made the gesture and came over here. And I admitted I was petty and childish. And you made the gesture and came over here. And...
Tim: And see you, Al.
Al: Apology accepted.

Tim: Uh, the truth is, Al, you know me. When I start something new, I tend to go a little crazy. It always affects the people closest to me first. And the truth is you're a responsible guy. And you can you can live here without the lease. [rips up document]
Al: Uh...
Tim: Al, don't say another word. Please, Al. Without the lease. Forget about it. The lease is gone. Bye-bye. See you later.
Al: Well, thank you, Tim. That was actually my life insurance policy.

Brad: Well, here it is. The new shirt.
Jill: Congratulations, Brad. I... I know I have never seen anything like that.
Brad: Now, you're not gonna go out and buy one of these.
Randy: Oh, you actually paid money for that? Looks like you peeled it off a dead clown.
Tim: Look who I brought home for dinner, everybody.
Jill: Ah!
Al: Hi, Jill. Hey, Mark.
Mark: Hey, Al.
Al: Ooh, nice shirt.
Brad: You like it? I just got it.
Al: Yeah. Well, me too! All right!