Jill: So, what's in the bag?
Brad: Oh, that's my old shirt. Check out the new one I bought. I bet you've never seen anything like it.
Jill: Actually, I think I have.
[Randy walks in wearing the same shirt as Brad]
Brad & Randy: Oh, man!

Tim: Hi, honey.
Jill: Oh, hi, sweetie.
Tim: Evening... Evening, Humpty, Dumpty.
Brad: I guess you're wondering why we're both wearing this shirt.
Tim: [chuckles] No. I was wondering why anyone would wear that shirt.

Tim: You want to take a look one more time?
Jill: That's a good idea. Um, Brad, will you get the dishes, set the table.
Brad: Yeah. What's for dinner?
Jill: Whatever Randy decides to make.
Tim: Hey, think pork.

[Mark sees Brad and Randy wearing identical shirts]
Mark: If that's the school uniform, I am not going to high school.

Al: I'm not joking. I really would like to rent this.
Tim: What?
Jill: Oh, my God. You'd be the perfect renter.
Tim: Do you want Al living right around the corner from us?
Al: We can carpool! Hey!
Tim: You're not helping your case, Al.

Al: Oh, now, come on. I've been wanting to get out of that bachelor apartment for years! I would love living here!
Tim: Al is clean. He's quiet. He'd be the perfect tenant.
Al: I was Tenant of the Month eleven times last year.
Jill: What do you think?
Al: Please?
Tim: Don't beg like that, you look like those circus poodles. [hums circus music] I don't know. Well, why not?
Al: Oh, yes! All right! Oh, I'm gonna love living here! Look, I'll even have a coat closet!
[When Al opens the coat closet, there's a poster reading "Free Utilities First Month Call 555-0172"]

Jill: Well, congratulations, Al.
Al: Oh! And with that big back yard, I'll finally be able to get a dog.
Tim: Oh, I'm sorry. No pets.
Al: OK. But, boy, this is gonna be a nice place for mother to visit.
Tim: Like I said no pets.

Jill: Hey, hey, hey! That is enough, guys! We're just gonna flip a coin. Whoever loses takes the shirt back to the store. Mark, give me a quarter.
Mark: You know, I'm gonna need that back.
Jill: All right, Brad. You're the oldest so you pick.
Brad: Tails.
Jill: Heads it is. You lose.
Randy: Hey, and, uh, while you're up there, you might want to rethink the pants.
Jill: Oh, finally I can get some work done.
Mark: Aren't you forgetting something?
Jill: [pinches his cheek] I love you. I know. I know. [returns the quarter]

Tim: As long as I'm here, anything else you need?
Al: As a matter of fact, there is. You know what? The, uh, the sink in the kitchen here is leaking. And this window up here seems to be a little bit stuck.
Tim: Well, just get a washer for the faucet and put some silicone on there. Here you go.
Al: Well, you see, I'm the tenant. And repairs would be the landlord's responsibility.
Tim: Come on. Tenant, landlord let's not get hung up on the labels, buddy.
Al: Well, you want to go by the book, I'm going by the book. And according to section 12, paragraph seven, uh, you "are responsible for all repairs or I have someone do it and take it out of the rent."
Tim: Buddy, buddy, buddy... Close examination of the spirit of this lease will inform you that that's a sign for renters that aren't very handy. You are very good with your hands. Speaking of which, here you go. Right there.

Al: After you've fixed this door, I want you to take a look at the, uh, chimney here.
Tim: Al, I don't have time for this. You know, a lot of this stuff you could do.
Al: You're right. And for $200 an hour, I would love to.
Tim: You'd charge me for this?
Al: I'm just exercising my tenant's rights.