Jill: What's the matter?
Tim: No one wants to come to my banquet. So far, the only "yeses" are us, Wilson, Al, Heidi and the boys.
Jill: The boys are a "no." It's a school night.
Tim: I'm being crowned Car Guy of the Year.
Mark: Yeah. And we want to honor our father.
Jill: I'd love for you guys to go, but we're not gonna get back till 3:00 and you have to go to school the next day.
Randy: Well, we want to honor our father so much, we'd be willing to miss school the next day.
Brad: I'd be willing to honor him all week.

Tim: What's with all these excuses? No one wants to show up.
Jill: Well, honey, you can't expect people to drive two hours each way. That's four hours in a car on a weeknight.
Tim: I'd spend four hours in a car on a weeknight.
Jill: If it had a bathroom, you'd live in your car.

Heidi: Scott's out of town. And I'm not driving up without him.
Tim: Doesn't matter if your husband can go. You're The Tool Girl. You can go with Jill and me.
Heidi: I don't know, Tim. I get tired early these days.
Tim: Oh, yeah. I get it. The pregnancy thing cropping up again. Yeah. First you couldn't load those sacks of cement yesterday, and now this. You don't want to pay respects to the boss who helped remodel your kitchen?
Heidi: You set my kitchen on fire.
Tim: The boss who gave you medical insurance, gave you Al's parking spot.
Heidi: OK, OK. I'll go.
Tim: That's the spirit!

Tim: Oh. It's 20 to eight. We're gonna miss the film tribute.
Jill: Film tribute?
Tim: Yeah, it's great. Tim Taylor: He's Got Gas in his Veins.
Jill: It's not the only place.

Tim: [rattling] No, no, no, no!
Heidi: What's the matter?
Tim: I don't know! I got a good idea. [ringing] Hear that hollow sound? That's the gas tank. We got no gas.
Jill: The gauge says full.
Tim: Well, the gauge is wrong. When is the last time you put gas in? I mean, mileage-wise?
Jill: Well, I don't know. I don't pay any attention to mileage. I just watch the gauge.
Tim: [grunts] You can never trust a gas gauge!
Jill: Well, I guess I know that now!
Tim: Do you realize how embarrassing this is for me? The guy with gas in his veins has got no gas in his car!

Jill: Where are you going?
Tim: There's a station about two miles back. I'm gonna go get some gas.
Jill: What's the stick for?
Tim: Protection! In case that guernsey wakes up.

Wilson: [on the phone] Hi-ho, neighbor.
Tim: Hi, Wilson.
Wilson: Listen, I'm sorry about that deer. But I do have some very good animal first-aid tips. If it's too late for that, I have a very tasty recipe for venison.

Ned: The deer's dead, isn't it? You can tell me.
Tim: Nah. Um, no... That... Boy, you you look familiar. Did you ever work at the Alpena Airport?
Ned: No. That's my brother Fred. I'm Ned, the nice one.
Tim: Can I use your restroom?
Ned: Not a chance. Customers only.
Tim: Well, I am a customer. I'm gonna buy some gas from you.
Ned: Oh, good. After you pay, we can talk about the restroom.
Tim: Fred let me use his restroom.
Ned: Fred's a fool.

Tim: I might need a lift to my car if it's OK.
Ned: Well, I could give you one. But we might suddenly get busy.
Tim: And I might suddenly become a ballet dancer.
Ned: Forget it, pal. You don't have the legs.
Tim: Can I use the restroom now?
Ned: Yeah. It's over there. Unfortunately, it's out of order.
Tim: [exhales] You might've mentioned that to me before.
Ned: Why? You weren't a customer then.

Ned: Ah. Hello. I hope you enjoyed the gas.
Tim: I have no time for chitchat. I have a pregnant woman in the car.
Ned: Right next to the deer?
Tim: There is no deer!
Ned: Then maybe there's no pregnant woman.
[Heidi moans as Jill helps her into the gas station]
Ned: Deer killer!