Tim: Hey, Mark, you gotta listen to this.
Mark: Sure. As soon as I'm done watching this show.
Tim: You're watching Cooking with the Ragin' Cajun?
Mark: Dad, it's Gumbo Week.

Jill: How was your day, honey?
Tim: Terrible. Terrible. [phone rings]
Jill: Why? What happened?
Tim: Sit down and I'll tell you. Morgan Wandell now is taking complete control of the show, right?
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: I'm used to things being my way. I'm not gonna take orders from a cheesy young punk who thinks he knows production.
Mark: Hey, Mom?
Tim: We're talking.
Mark: It's Professor Hanover's office.
Tim: We're talking.
Jill: Dr. Hanover? Wait. Just hold that thought. I just have to take this call. [Tim groans]

Jill: Dr. Hanover wants to have a meeting with me.
Tim: That's great. Anyway, this guy...
Jill: No, it's not great. I mean, maybe he reread my thesis and he's having second thoughts.
Tim: Honey? Honey, please?
Jill: Maybe he found a reference that's outdated. You know, that can happen.
Tim: Could you just... Just hold on a second. Let me tell you this.
Jill: Maybe he thinks that my conclusions are just, you know, inconclusive. Oh, God! This could be terrible for my whole career. I just have to calm down. Calm down. I'm gonna go take a hot bath.
Tim: Thanks for listening. I'm gonna go stick my head in the microwave. With my mouth open so it doesn't explode.

Al: Sorry I'm late. I was packing up Mother's house.
Tim: That must've been hard for you, Al.
Al: Well, I got through it okay. But then Trudy came over, and we were going over the guest list for the wedding. And I got this panic attack! I think I'm going through pre-marital stress.
Tim: Ah, PMS.
Al: I just... You know, I need to get through the next two days. You know, come Monday I'll be on my honeymoon, lying on the beach with Trudy, slathering zinc oxide all over my body.
Tim: Boy, thanks for that image.

Tim: Well, gentlemen, I gotta be honest with you. I don't see anything wrong with men that like to build things. So I would like to know what the problem is.
Robbie, Dan & Butch: My wife.
Tim: [chuckles] Been there. You had better hope she's not watching this show today, huh?
Dan: Actually, they're in the audience.
Tim: Huh? This could get interesting.

Tim: Dan, what's your problem?
Dan: Uh, I like to paint. But I don't have an addiction. I can stop anytime I want.
Dolly: Oh, yeah? Then how come our front lawn is now blue?
Dan: It's teal.

Tim: Hey, hey, hey, hey... Now, just... Calm down. Calm down. It's a television show. Come on. If you go back to your seat, you'll get that nylon fanny pack.
Butch: She doesn't need one. She's already packing plenty of fanny.
Al: Now, that's not helping matters, sir. If we could just...
Sue: Hey, well, I've got news for you. My fanny's good enough for the Dutch boy. He and I have been... [beep] brains out for the last six months.
Dolly: What? [pushes past Heidi]
[As Dolly and Sue fight, Sue removes Dolly's wig. Tim and Al try to break them up.
Al: That's not very ladylike!
Heidi: [o.s.] Somebody call security!
Tim: We'll be right back after these... [Tim gets kicked in his face]

Tim: We're not doing any more shows like this!
Al: Yeah!
Heidi: No.
Morgan: No, no. Of course not. We want to stay fresh. We keep the audience guessing. Eventually, we'll do some more of that building crap you like.
Tim: Building crap? Hold on a second. That building crap... That building crap is what Tool Time has been about for the last 10 years.
Morgan: All right. Well, now it's about ratings. And if you're not comfortable with that, we can go another way.

Tim: If I have to, I'll just go above you. I'll talk to Bud.
Morgan: All right. Well, you can talk to Bud all you want.
Tim: I'm going to.
Morgan: Well, do. It's not gonna do you much good.
Tim: Sure it will.
Morgan: Well, he's no longer with the company.
Al: What?
Tim: Hold on a second. Bud wouldn't leave Tool Time without letting me know.
Morgan: Let's see. He left, you didn't know about it. I guess he would leave without telling you.

Tim: Well, as far as supervising Tool Time is concerned, who is above you now?
Morgan: God.
Tim: Well, look, if you're gonna turn this show into a three-ring circus, I might just quit.
Morgan: Sorry to lose you. You were a good man.