Marty: Listen, I'm gonna go upstairs. They can never seem to fall asleep unless I read them a story first.
Tim: Already done.
Jill: They're sound asleep. I'm sorry.
Marty: Oh, no, no. That's great.
Tim: I ended up reading them the Al Unser story.

Al: To begin with, all you actually need is a latex paint-glaze mix, a sea sponge.
Tim: See? Sponge. It's a fun project the kids would enjoy trying to spruce up their own rooms. And to show you how much fun it would be for children, I invited two kids on the show today. My nieces, Claire and Gracie Taylor. Okay, girls. Are you ready to paint?
Gracie: Yeah.
Claire: Okay.
Tim: All right, before we do that, I want you to look into the camera and tell the audience out there what Uncle Tim says whenever he starts a project.
Gracie: "Ow, that hurts"?
Tim: Come on. What's he say?
Claire: "Call 911"?
Tim: What did I say backstage?
Gracie: "Al, your mom's fat."

Benny: Hey, if Marty's not coming to your house for Thanksgiving, who's gonna give me a ride?
Harry: I'll have my sister pick you up.

Tim: What's that all about?
Jill: Well, obviously something about them being here is bothering him.
Tim: Well, I don't want to figure it out. I bent over backwards for him. I've been sensitive. I've changed my whole personality.
Jill: And we were all very grateful for that.

Jill: I think you should go talk to Marty.
Tim: I'm tired of fixing things for him. And I'm tired of talking with him.
Jill: What are you gonna say to him at Thanksgiving at your mom's?
Tim: What I say every year. "You touch that drumstick, you're gonna lose a hand."

Tim: Is that what this is about, Marty? Come on, it's always easier raising somebody else's kids. You know, when Claire and Gracie see you and Nancy, they see a couple in pain. When they see me and Jill, they see a guy shocking the stuffing out of a teddy bear and a bitter old maid.

Tim: You're right. Your house is freezing cold.
Wilson: Well, I think the pilot light went off in my furnace. Would you mind going down in the basement and taking a look?
Tim: Well, yeah, but, you know, you can do this yourself.
Wilson: Well, I don't like to go down there. It's big and it's damp. The place gives me the creeps.
Tim: Love basements. Love the creeps. There it is, Wilson! I found your furnace! You got a light down here or something?
Wilson: There should be a pull chain right over the furnace.
[When Tim turns on the light, a deep cavernous cave is revealed]
Tim: Interesting. You know, Wilson, if you were to drop the ceiling just a scosh, you'd have a heck of a rec room down here. Foosball table, ping-pong, the whole nine yards.

Marty: Hey, Tim.
Tim: Hey, Marty. Glad you're open. Now I don't have to go downtown to score that bag of wood screws.
Marty: Yeah. Uh... Harry's been looking for a night watchman, you know? And, I mean, I'm just kind of giving him a hand.
Tim: Intimidating uniform.
Marty: You should've seen me before I put the shorts on.

Tim: I know about you and Nancy. Benny sold you out.
Marty: Free sandwich?
Tim: Fresh donut.

Tim: You're not imposing. You're family. You know, with Randy out of the country, we got a spare room. I mean, you could stay there right now.
Marty: That'd be great.
Tim: Yeah, and when you get the girls, they can stay there, too.
Marty: Really?
Tim: Yeah.
Marty: You think Jill will be okay with it?
Tim: Yeah, sure. There's nothing more important to Jill than family. And we want you to spend Thanksgiving with us at Mom's. But you've got to put some pants on.