Tim: What a great show today. We did our salute to the military, right? I got invited out to California to a military base to drive a tank.
Jill: Wow, that's so great! When do we go?
Tim: We? Is that "we" like in "we," or "we" like in "whee!"?
Jill: You're not planning on going without me?
Tim: Well, l... no. I thought I'd make reservations at that spa in Palm Springs.
Jill: Yes!
Tim: You'll be at that hotel soaking in mud, and I'll be at the base driving through it.

Jill: Tim, I'm the army brat. It'd be fun for me to go to a military base.
Tim: Driving a tank is not about fun.
Jill: What is it about?
Tim: It's about grown men driving heavy equipment while other grown men hide in bushes and act like bad guys.

Jill: I do not want to hang around the hotel while you get to go off and do all the cool stuff.
Tim: Oh, cool stuff?
Jill: Yes.
Tim: In the desert, it's hot. You know how you are. "It's so hot. My hair is so sandy and my skin's so dry, it's like a pair of alligator shoes. Look at this. It's cracking."
Jill: Tim, that is not me - that's you.

Jill: Now, why can't I go to the base?
Tim: What's the purpose of it? You know, the military doesn't allow women to drive tanks. You'd just be standing around bored.
Jill: I would not. I would be standing around trying to convince them that women are perfectly capable of driving tanks.
Tim: Well, there's a good time.

Jill: Oh, come on! How many times do we find something that we're both interested in?
Tim: Never. And I don't want to screw up a winning formula.
Jill: Come on! We'll have the boys stay with Al. What do you say? What do you say?
Tim: Four words that seem to rule my life - "Anything you want, Jill."

Al: Ah, just a minute... OK.
Tim: [o.s.] Al, quit fluffing the pillows and let us in.

Jill: Al, here's the number of the hotel. If you can't page us in the room, then page us at the pool.
Al: OK.
Jill: If you can't page us at the pool, page us at the base. I wrote this number down.
Al: All right.
Jill: And don't forget, there's a three-hour time difference. If it's four o'clock here, it's one o'clock there.
Jill: Right.
Jill: If it's six o'clock here, it's three o'clock there.
Tim: Honey. Honey, if you keep talking to him, we'll still be here before we even get there.

Lt. Col. McDougal: There are four fuel tanks on the M1 A1 that hold a total of 504 gallons.
Tim: Whoo! I hope you have self-serve. What does this thing weigh?
Jill: I'm guessing 65 tons.
Tim: No, no, no. It's gotta be more like a hundred tons.
Lt. Col. McDougal: Actually, the curb weight is 67.7 tons. Very impressive, Jill.
Tim: She grew up on a military base.
Jill: I always loved tanks.

Tim: Hey, wait a minute! What does one of these things cost... out the door?
Lt. Col. McDougal: 4.3 million. A little more if you want the CD player.
Tim: Wow!

Jill: Well, what kind of engine's in it?
Lt. Col. McDougal: 1500-horsepower gas turbine.
Jill: Wow! The old M48 had what? 750?
Lt. Col. McDougal: This tank also has battlefield override, a 120-millimeter smooth bore, and enhanced shift tie-downs.
Tim: You know, to make it look better... chrome wheels and a custom paint job.
Lt. Col. McDougal: I'll mention that to the Pentagon.