Tim: Congratulations. You just did something most countries can't do - you got the Marines to retreat.
Jill: They didn't leave because of me. They left because you got angry.
Tim: Well, excuse me! Not only did you beat me on the obstacle course, you defend me like I'm a five-year-old.
Jill: Well, you're acting like a five-year-old. You're just upset because I drove the tank well.
Tim: No. I'm upset because you driving it well made me look like an idiot!
Jill: Well, even if I hadn't been there you still would've driven like an idiot.

Jill: So how was it? How was the weekend?
Mark: Oh, the best. Al let us stay up and watch monster movies.
Brad: And he made us popcorn just dripping with butter. [grunts]
Randy: Yeah. He even separated the unpopped kernels for us.
Jill: Well, I guess I'm never gonna be half the mother Al is.
Tim: Hey, boys.
Randy: Dad? How come you didn't marry Al?
Tim: Well, to be honest with you, I thought about it. But I just couldn't handle the thought of him giving birth to my children. Little babies with beards and flannel diapers. lck!

Jill: That was really nice. Thank you.
Tim: Well, it would've been a lot nicer if I'd said it earlier. I got thrown for a loop when I found out I was married to General George Patton... [as Gomer Pyle] and I was Gomer Pyle. Shazam! Shazam! Shazam! Well, golly, Sergeant Carter!

Mark: So, Dad, how did you do at the Marine base?
Randy: Yeah, Dad. You told us about Mom, but you never told us how you did.
Tim: Well... Let's put it this way the Marines said no one's ever driven a tank like your old man.
Brad: You were that good, huh?
Tim: I don't want to brag. You know, but I was in my element, guys. Machines, Marines, latrines and lots and lots of beans. 1500 horsepower sitting behind me. I'm the master of that thing. [grunts] My only regret? You guys weren't there to see it.
Randy: Well, actually, Dad, you know, we can see it. The Marines made a tape for Mom.
Tim: You can't look at that. That's top-secret!
Randy: Oh, yeah? Really?
Tim: Give it back.