Tim: AI's measured our pipe to the correct length, and I'll be cutting it with my old, tubular, trusty Binford hacksaw. Gosh, I've had this thing a long time. You get to take stuff for granted after a while, you know? You don't respect it like you should. You know what I'm getting at?
Al: Not even close, Tim.
Tim: Well, I'm saying that you could go out and buy... go see the new ones. They're all shiny chrome and polyurethane handles and everything, but you kinda forget that old faithful one you've got back home. A little clearer now?
Al: Less than ever, Tim.
Tim: I'm talking about that old faithful saw that... you wouldn't give up for anything in the world because it's a lifelong companion, where every nick and cut in that blade is a memory of some things you've created together. It just fits.

Tim: The problem is I have unconscious cave-man fantasies.
Jill: What?
Tim: I was talking to Wilson and men have cave-man fantasies about being with thousands of women at one time.
Jill: Oh, really?
Tim: You don't have that problem because you have your fantasy.
Jill: And what would that be?
Tim: Me.
Jill: You?
Tim: Yes.
Jill: So, my fantasy is to be with a man approaching middle age with a paunch and a low-rated cable show?
Tim: Right. Now, that's not what I'd look for, but I'm not you.

Jill: Come back, come back. We're watching "Gadget Corner."
Tim: Do you guys like this segment?
Karen: Yeah. By the way, Jill and I thought that the woman who demonstrated the lid opener was very attractive. Didn't you?
Tim: Attractive? I hardly even noticed she was a woman.
Jill: Hardly even noticed. Oh. Let's go to the videotape.
Karen: Let's do.
Jill: Watch closely, Tim. There! Looks like you're noticing something.
Tim: Wait a minute. I wasn't looking at her, I was looking past her.
Karen: Yeah, right into her waterbed.
Tim: She was leaving, just like you should be.

Tim: I had to acknowledge her.
Jill: Oh, well, OK. Let's look at that acknowledgement again, shall we?
Karen: Yeah.
Jill: "Do those legs go all the way up?"
Tim: You know, this shot is not supposed to be on me, it's supposed to be on AI.
Karen: Oh, so you only gawk at women when Jill's not around.
Tim: Yes. No. I was looking at her, but you know what I was thinking the whole time? She's stunning and 25, but she is no Jill.
Karen: Oh, so I'm old and plain?
Tim: You are far from plain. And old. Far from old. You're so far from old you're practically young.
Jill: Any last requests, Taylor?

Tim: What is the big deal? So I glanced at a woman.
Karen: You're a married man, Tim.
Tim: A happily married man, and don't you ever forget.
Karen: Let's face it, Jill. Tim is just your typical American male, no self-control.
Tim: Oh, please. I have plenty of self-control.
Jill: Ha! I say that you won't even make it through this meal tonight without checking out the babes.
Karen: He'll be lucky to make it past, "Taylor, table for two."
Tim: OK, OK. I'll prove it. I guarantee tonight I won't be "checking out the babes."
Jill: Mm-hmm.
Tim: We'll see who gets the last laugh tonight.
[As Tim walks away, a wooden chopping board is stuck to his hand]

Jill: I think you're really gonna love Indian food. They've got lamb curry, chicken tandoori. And this... this keema korma Iooks really good.
Tim: The food smells like somebody keema korma'd out in the alley.

Kiki: Hey, it is you. Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor? I never miss your show.
Tim: Oh, you have me confused with that handsome guy in Tool Time.
Kiki: Don't be modest. Could I get your autograph?
Tim: Yeah, quick. Why don't you slide it right under here under my head here? OK.
Kiki: Could you make it out to Kiki?
Tim: Kiki. K-I... Oh. OK, Kikster, here you go.
Kiki: Could you put my last name too?
Tim: Ah, you know, my wife is due back...
Kiki: Kiki Van Fursterwallenscheinlaw.
Tim: What?
Kiki: F-u-r-s-t-e-r-w-a-l-l...
Tim: Uh-huh. I'm getting a hand cramp. Hold on.
Kiki: e-n-s-c-h-e-i-n-I-a-w.
Tim: L-a-w. Good thing it didn't run out of ink.

Karen: How was dinner?
Jill: It was great. Good food, nice atmosphere, excellent service, Tim almost choked to death. All in all, a splendid evening.
Tim: I got a little piece of bread caught in my throat.
Jill: Yeah. He went into shock after staring at Bambi, the land nymph.
Tim: It was Kiki, the land nymph.

Karen: Tim, I am stunned. You mean you couldn't control that animal drive?
Tim: It had nothing to do with animal drive. The young lady wanted an autograph.
Karen: But you looked.
Tim: All right, I looked. But it didn't mean anything. It was like looking at a beautiful car.
Karen: Oh, so you're saying women are cars?
Tim: No, what I'm saying is I appreciate beauty in all of its forms. Like a sailboat cruising across an open sea with a full sail.
Jill: Yeah, well... Kiki certainly had a full set of sails.
Karen: According to Tim's theory, that would make you and I... What? Tugboats?
Tim: You'd be a dinghy.

Karen: Look, all I'm saying, Tim, is if I were married to you and you looked at other women, I think it would hurt my feelings.
Tim: Karen.
Karen: What?
Tim: I'm not married to you. And the real shocker?
Karen: Hm?
Tim: I like hurting your feelings.