Tim Quote #814
Tim: Anyway, while Al was busy carving himself a life, I took my family to the natural history museum in Chicago. Very educational. A lot of fun.
Al: Yes, it is.
Tim: But we all know the worst part of a long car trip - the family in the car. "I'm tired." "I'm hungry." "I can't see." "He's pushing." "I gotta pee." Boy, my wife was annoying. But it worked out well, because I brought back from the museum some primitive tools from primitive man. Heidi, the artifacts, please. 'Course, y'all know our new tool girl. I want you all to say howdy to Heidi. Howdy, Heidi! Our old tool girl moved on to bigger and better things.
Al: Oh? Did she accept that offer from Bob Vila?
Tim: She went on to college. We both know that, Al.
Quote from Jill
Jill: We never actually said that we weren't gonna have another baby.
Tim: I've said it. I know I've talked about it. I mentioned it on Tool Time.
Jill: Oh, great. So 11 people know about it?
Tim: You remember babies at all? Dirty diapers. Colic? 2 am feedings. 3 am feedings. I don't have the energy for that anymore.
Jill: You don't have the energy to say, "Wake up, Jill, the baby wants you"?
Quote from Randy
Tim: I thought you guys weren't supposed to watch that Goosebump Theater. Doesn't it give you nightmares?
Randy: Well, Tool Time gives us nightmares, and you make us watch that.
Tim: Hey, he's going after those guys with a Binford 5100 chain saw. That's a chain saw and a half. Good choice, ghoul.
Quote from At Sea
Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".
Quote from Her Cheatin' Mind
Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.