Mark: Come on, Mom. You always make me show you my homework.
Jill: Well, you're right. I do. Okay. Okay, fair is fair.
Tim: You sure you feel like doing this?
Jill: Yeah. I'll just picture you two in your underwear. [Mark starts to unbuckle his belt]
Tim: No, don't take off your pants. It's just a technique.

Al: Hi, Mark. How are you?
Mark: Good.
Al: Do anything fun this weekend?
Mark: Daddy and I dressed up like women.
Al: Oh, really?
Tim: It's not like it sounds, Al.
Mark: Daddy had Mommy's hat on and we both wore earrings.
Al: Well, of course, earrings would complete the ensemble.
Director: Music. Stand by, here we go, everybody.
Tim: It's not like I had a bra on or anything, Al.
Al: Well, maybe next time, Tim.

Tim: Hey, quiet down. Your mom's up there trying to write that speech.
Randy: She's been working on that speech for two weeks. When is she gonna finish?
Tim: Well, maybe never if she doesn't get some peace and quiet.
Randy: [whispers] Quiet. OK, OK. [shouts] Brad!

Tim: What are you doing?
Randy: We're going to the park to play Blade Warriors.
Tim: Blade Warriors? I don't like the sound of that.
Brad: I've got the net. Let's go.
Tim: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait here. What's the net for?
Brad & Randy: Nothing.
Tim: These are not "nothing" faces. This would be a "nothing" face.
Brad: Yeah.
Tim: No, no. Come here, come here. You guys wouldn't be thinking of going to the park and snagging kids in this net, would you?
Randy: Good idea, Dad.

Tim: Brad, I buy safety equipment, I intend for you to use it, all right? Is that cologne you're wearing?
Brad: This is the stuff you bought at the car wash.
Tim: That's air freshener. That came with some mud flaps. You smell like a piña colada.

Tim: Jill, this is an honor. Who was it that raised more than $4,000 for the new...
Jill: 7,000.
Tim: $7,000 for the new computer system for the library?
Jill: I did.
Tim: Who got all the volunteers to go door to door to collect money, including a hundred bucks out of me?
Jill: I did.
Tim: Who's the perfect person for the speech?
Jill: Somebody else.

Tim: Cleaning the house can be a lot of fun. This is Dodge City at high noon. It's very dirty in here. Quick, get to the windows, boys! Cover us! Come on! Hyah, hyah. All right, holster those weapons. On three, give me that quick draw. One, two, three, clean. Hyah, hyah, hyah, hyah.
Mark: What about me, Dad? What do I get to do?
Tim: You get the most important job. You're Sheriff Wyatt Dirt. You've got to wipe out the Dust Bunny Gang.
Mark: What?
Tim: Here, hold that. All loaded. Saddle up, boy. Hyah, hyah!

Tim: I thought you were upstairs writing that speech.
Jill: Well, may I please get a soda?
Tim: Certainly.
Jill: Ooh, yeah. What is that smell?
Tim: Their favorite lunch: beanie-weenie casserole. Touch of Spam in there, beef jerky, and potato chip dressing on top. What do you think?
Jill: I'll pass.

Jill: "Good afternoon. It's a pleasure to be here today." No, it's not. I think I'll just take a nap.

Jill: Tim!
Tim: Finish your speech?
Jill: Where is it?
Tim: Hmm? [drinks milk] Ahh. You know where it is, same place it's always been. [clinks glasses with Mark]