Tim: How's Brad doing?
Marge: Oh, his tests are almost done. He'll be out of Radiology in a minute.
Tim: I don't understand why I couldn't go in there with him.
Marge: Because you've had so many X-rays you glow in the dark.

Wilson: You know, Brad, you remind me of an Iban tribesman.
Brad: Yeah. I get that all the time.
Wilson: You see, the Iban live in Borneo. And they believe that evil spirits are the cause of all their misfortunes. So, every night they dance and they put on these strange wooden masks to drive the evil spirits away.
Brad: So, what does that have to do with me?
Wilson: Well, like the Iban, we'd all like to believe that outside forces are the cause of all of our problems. It gives rationality to our universe. But the truth is, sometimes accidents just happen.
Brad: So, you're saying that it's not my dad's fault that I tripped. And it was more or less bad luck?
Wilson: Yeah, I suppose so. I think the thing to do is just hope for the best and be open to exploring new paths. You know, the British author, J.M. Barrie said, "A man's life is like a diary in which he means to write one story, but ends up writing another."

Brad: Yeah, I know. But, Wilson, I mean, soccer's always been part of my life. You know, it's, like, who I am. If you go to my school, you can ask anybody. I'm Brad the soccer dude.
Wilson: But you can also be Brad the nuclear-physicist dude. Or Brad the animal-husbandry dude.
Brad: Yeah. But I don't know anything about physics. And I really don't want to know what it's like to be an animal's husband.

Tim: Say, did you guys catch Tool Time today?
Jill: Yeah. I actually did.
Tim: You watched Tool Time?
Jill: Yeah. Yeah. I was trying to avoid writing my essay.
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: I was desperate. But, yeah, I really liked Penn & Teller. They were great.
Tim: Yeah. You know, but some of the die-hard tool fans got to me after the show and said they're missing the regular, basic Tool Times, you know? Wonder if I'm alienating my fan base?
Jill: Ah. Don't worry. He'll forgive you.

Jill: I can't believe it! We're gonna have to pull up the rug and dry it out, fix the toilet.
Tim: You know, honey, as usual, you look at a broken toilet as half-empty, I look at it as half-full. This is a perfect project to get Tool Time back on track, huh?
Jill: Oh, no, no, no.
Tim: Yeah, yeah.
Jill: No Tool Times in the house. It's disruptive. You always end up breaking something else.
Tim: This broken toilet's too good an opportunity to pass up. It's like that guy that saw a spring. He said, "That's not a spring. That's a Slinky."

Heidi: Welcome to a very magical Tool Time.
Tim: That was just a cheesy video effect. On today's show, we're gonna have some real magic.
Al: That's right. Heidi is going to introduce us to two of the world's biggest prestidigitators.
Tim: Not on this show you're not.
Al: No, no. A prestidigitator is a magician.
Tim: Oh. Phew. Well, in that case, you're wondering why would you have a magician on this show? That's because I think magic is cool. In order to spice Tool Time up, we're gonna turn Tool Time into Cool Time.
Al: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Penn & Teller!

Penn: Oh, it's great to be here. I'm such a... I'm such a big fan of Tool Time.
Tim: Teller, how about you?
Penn: He doesn't talk.
Tim: An assistant who doesn't talk. I'd like to switch. I've got 20 bucks right here... Where's my wallet? [Teller holds up Tim's wallet and then his watch.]
Al: Oh, that's great! He's very good. He's... [Teller holds up a pair of flannel underpants]
Penn: That's the really tough one.
Tim: They are very good, huh?

Marty: What you working on?
Jill: Oh, I have to write this essay describing myself for the PhD application to U of M.
Brad: Well, tell them you're brilliant, insightful and a great humanitarian.
Marty: I am?
Brad: No. But they don't know that, right?

Jill: Brad, I can't screw this up. Some of us aren't soccer stars who can count on getting a scholarship.
Marty: In fact, some of us are stuck working at the zoo, hosing out the penguin house.
Jill: Well, that explains those feathers in the lint trap.
Jill: Oh, your friend Jim called, Brad.
Brad: Oh, yeah. He must be calling about that party he's having Saturday night. The ladies are gonna be rolling through there. Saturday night's all right for Brad.
Marty: Actually, Saturday night's kind of big for me, too. Chilly Millie's eggs are gonna hatch.

Heidi: Okay, now we're gonna show you how to deal with any water damage that may have occurred.
Tim: In this case, it also damaged some of the carpet pad.
Al: And the drywall in the ceiling. We're gonna show you how to replace both.
Tim: That's right. What could be a better hands-on Tool Time than that? I started this show, what? Nine years ago with just a dream and my hammer. And the best assistant that minimum wage could buy.