Tim Quote #3359
Penn: Oh, it's great to be here. I'm such a... I'm such a big fan of Tool Time.
Tim: Teller, how about you?
Penn: He doesn't talk.
Tim: An assistant who doesn't talk. I'd like to switch. I've got 20 bucks right here... Where's my wallet? [Teller holds up Tim's wallet and then his watch.]
Al: Oh, that's great! He's very good. He's... [Teller holds up a pair of flannel underpants]
Penn: That's the really tough one.
Tim: They are very good, huh?
More Home Improvement Quotes
‘Knee Deep’ Quotes
Quote from Tim
Tim: How's Brad doing?
Marge: Oh, his tests are almost done. He'll be out of Radiology in a minute.
Tim: I don't understand why I couldn't go in there with him.
Marge: Because you've had so many X-rays you glow in the dark.
Quote from Wilson
Wilson: You know, Brad, you remind me of an Iban tribesman.
Brad: Yeah. I get that all the time.
Wilson: You see, the Iban live in Borneo. And they believe that evil spirits are the cause of all their misfortunes. So, every night they dance and they put on these strange wooden masks to drive the evil spirits away.
Brad: So, what does that have to do with me?
Wilson: Well, like the Iban, we'd all like to believe that outside forces are the cause of all of our problems. It gives rationality to our universe. But the truth is, sometimes accidents just happen.
Brad: So, you're saying that it's not my dad's fault that I tripped. And it was more or less bad luck?
Wilson: Yeah, I suppose so. I think the thing to do is just hope for the best and be open to exploring new paths. You know, the British author, J.M. Barrie said, "A man's life is like a diary in which he means to write one story, but ends up writing another."
Tim Taylor Quotes
Quote from At Sea
Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".
Quote from Her Cheatin' Mind
Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.