Brad: Well, I guess we know what this means.
Randy: The meat fest continues.
Tim: Wait. Wait a minute. I could marinate a skirt steak. How about that? How about a pork barbecue? Or pork bar? It'll be "hams across America".

Jill: That food is for your aunts.
Randy: Well, what do we get?
Jill: You get to clean your rooms, so they have a decent place to stay.
Brad: How come we always get thrown out of our rooms every time they come?
Jill: Well, you can bunk with your aunts and watch them pluck facial hair.
Randy: Why can't they just shave like Grandma?
Tim: They're not old enough. You know Grandma still uses a straight edge?

Tim: What are we doing?
Brad: We're talking about sleeping arrangements.
Tim: I get her.
Jill: Sleeping arrangements for the weekend.
Tim: We'll have a lot of fun, guys. The Taylor men sleeping outside, barbecuing every meal. We're going to test Binford's new Outdoor Adventure series camping equipment. It'll be a great time, guys.
Brad: Well, aren't we gonna freeze?
Tim: The weak ones will. Don't worry. We got Binford's new thermal-lined sleeping bags. We're gonna have a lot of fun, guys.

Jill: I'll just do what I always do. I'll be the sensible, positive one, who keeps it from falling apart.
Tim: Know what you need?
Jill: A stiff drink.
Tim: That... and a battle plan. A battle plan!
Jill: A battle plan.
Tim: No, listen. You're from a military family, right? You gotta take control. Be forceful. If they get out of line you have them drop and do 20.
Jill: I could be forceful. After all, I am a colonel's daughter.
Tim: That's the attitude. Be forceful. Take command.
Jill: OK. Tim.
Tim: Yeah?
Jill: I want you to have this area vacuumed by 1800 hours.

Brad: He's a dead man.
Mark: Where is he? I can't even see him?
Tim: They're nightmares. They've swallowed him whole.

Jill: I can't believe I bought this fattening food and now everybody's on a diet.
Carrie: Linda, you look fantastic. How much weight have you lost since the divorce?
Linda: Two hundred pounds. 'Course, 170 of that was husband.
Jill: No, really, how did you lose all the weight?
Linda: I went to this psychic nutritionist. She told me something that changed my life.
Carrie: What did she say?
Linda: "Linda, you're too damn fat."
Tracy: Well, psychics are just a little kooky for me. I weigh my food.

Jill: Now that we've settled all the food issues, we can scarf down the salads and get to work on planning this party.
Tracy: I'm gonna share the chicken Caesar with Jill.
Carrie: Who's sharing my Cobb salad?
Linda: Oh, I forgot to order that.
Carrie: Typical. Everybody always forgets about Carrie. You did the same thing at the cottage last summer.
Jill: You were at the cottage last summer?

Jill: All right. Let's start off by talking about the centerpieces.
Tracy: Oh! I know what Mom and Dad would simply love. Tulips.
Jill: Tulips. Fabulous idea.
Linda: No, not according to my aromatherapist. She says they give off negative energy.
Carrie: You have an aromatherapist and a psychic nutritionist?
Linda: Uh-huh.
Carrie: Yeah. They're in the same building as my cat's hypnotist.

Jill: Carrie, what about the guest list?
Carrie: Yeah, I got it right here. There's a total of 125 people. That includes all of Mom's friends and the one guy who's still talking to Dad.
Tracy: Now, just wait a minute. There were only supposed to be 120 people. I mean, it worked out perfectly. Ten tables of 12.
Linda: OK. So now we'll have five tables of 12 and five tables of 13.
Jill: Perfect.
Tracy: Oh, no, no, no, no. You cannot have 13 people at a table for 12.
Linda: You can if you believe you can.
Tracy: What is that supposed to mean?

Jill: Well, I believe that we should talk about something we can agree on. So what about the photo album we're making for Mom & Dad?
Linda: Sure.
Jill: Anybody bring any pictures?
Tracy: I found a picture of you when you were a kid.
Linda: Oh, look, here's one of me and Ted on our wedding day. [rips it up]
Carrie: Here's another one of you and Ted. Linda, when did you have dark curly hair?
Linda: Never. Here, let me see that. Well, that's not me. That's Tracy sitting on my husband's lap. What were you doing, sitting on my husband's lap?
Tracy: Well, he's not your husband anymore. And he wasn't your husband when I was dating him.
Jill: So, you see. It all worked out.