Jill: Tim, you used the good towels?
Tim: Well, I didn't want to ruin my shop towels.

Marty: Hey, look. I'm sorry for just showing up like this. I tried calling, but the phone was dead.
Jill: The phone is dead?
Tim: [picks up the receiver] That must have been that bunch of wires I sawed through.

Jill: Tim. May I, uh, speak with you privately?
Tim: It'd be kind of rude in front of our company, wouldn't it? [to Marty] You sure you can't stay more than a couple of days? Maybe a year?

Tim: Thank you, Heidi. Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. It's always a pleasure to share the spotlight with someone special in my life. [Al goes to salute] My brother Marty's here. My youngest brother Marty's here.The only brother I can still beat up. Right?
Al: Tim. Are you gonna introduce me, or do I have time to run to the cleaner's?
Tim: OK, Al. And you all know my assistant Al Borland. [audience cheers] Today, we will be talking about abrasives.
Al: That's right. Abrasives can be used from anything from your car to family heirlooms.
Tim: "To family heirlooms"?
Al: Like silver.
Tim: Silver?
Al: Jewelry.
Tim: Jewelry?
Al: I can go on.

Marty: You know, I'm not sure Jill's gonna be crazy about that abrasive bit.
Tim: No, no, that's the beauty of it. I always save the bits that'll make her mad for when she's already mad at me. That way, I can't lose.
Marty: You're always thinking.
Tim: I had that abrasive bit worked out two weeks ago, but we're getting along, I couldn't use it.

Marty: No, I'm serious, you know. I mean, I come in from work, Nancy practically throws me the babies and says she needs a break.
Tim: Well, get used to it, bonehead. Having twins is a lot of work. I mean, just breastfeeding them's got to leave her feeling drained.

Marty: Remember that Cyclone ride we used to go on as kids?
Tim: [grunts] Oh, I loved that Cyclone. I loved it. You couldn't stand it.
Marty: I feel like I'm on it now. I swear, you know, my life just feels totally out of control. Ever since we had the kids, it seems like everything's fallen apart.
Tim: What, you saying you wish you didn't have the kids?
Marty: I don't know what I'm saying. I just know Nancy and I got no relationship anymore.
Tim: It's not that bad.
Marty: It's pretty bad.
Tim: How bad?
Marty: I'm thinking of leaving her.
Tim: What? Are you crazy?

Marty: It wasn't supposed to be like this.
Tim: Running out on your family, that's how it's supposed to be?
Marty: I've done a lot of thinking about it, okay?
Tim: Well, think about this, pal. You're gonna go back home, grow up, and act like a man.
Marty: Don't tell me what to do.
Tim: Someone's got to tell you what to do. You're acting like an idiot right now.
Marty: Don't call me an idiot.
Tim: What do you call a guy who runs out on his family? This is just like you. You never commit to anything. Remember Boy Scouts?
Marty: Oh, you're comparing my marriage to the Boy Scouts? I don't really need this. You know, I thought you'd be the one brother who was gonna understand.
Tim: What I understand is you're being selfish.
Marty: Oh, the hell with you. I don't need this. Here. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Tim: Well, that's not gonna cover the beers. Come on, Marty! [Marty exits] You gonna run out on me like your family? You gutless loser! And he's the brother I like!

Randy: Hey, Mom, when are we gonna eat? I'm starving.
Jill: Your dad and Uncle Marty are bringing home pizza. They should be back any minute.
Randy: You know, ever since you went back to school you've hardly cooked anything.
Jill: Yeah, I'm sorry. It's been really hectic.
Randy: Hey, I wasn't complaining.

Randy: So, what are you studying?
Jill: Randy, I came outside because I wanted you guys to stop bothering me. I gotta get this paper for my psych class written.
Randy: What's it on?
Jill: Mood disorders.
Randy: You should do very well.