Tim: Jill, where is that Happy Trails chilli cookbook of mine?
Jill: Why do you need a cookbook? You're just gonna dump in whatever you want anyway.
Tim: Yeah, I want to throw the book in there. Maybe those pages will soak up the extra oil.

Jill: You just don't know the kind of things that they do to him. Like, a couple of days ago. I made him a chunky peanut-butter sandwich. And they told him that the chunks were ground-up rat bones.
Tim: So? Older brothers torment younger brothers. It's the way of the world. I did it to my younger brothers. This kid's gotta learn how to deal with this by himself.
Jill: I don't believe that older brothers have a special privilege to be obnoxious little pigs.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Jill: No, I think that you and I should get together as a parental unit and have a nice long talk with Brad and Randy about their behavior.
Tim: These are kids without central nervous systems, all right? We have to learn to out-torment them.
Jill: Oh, I see. Stoop to their level?
Tim: Exactly. You want to teach Brad and Randy a lesson? Tonight, when I'm cookin' that chilli. I'll cut up this cauliflower. And we'll tell them we've got rabbit brains in there.
Jill: No, we're gonna talk to them. We'll tell them how much they're hurting Mark's feelings and how much that behavior disappoints us.
Tim: And if that fails... old Peter Cottontail hops right into that chilli.

Jill: You guys promised Mark that you would take him with you to the park. And then you ran off and left him here.
Brad: We waited in the backyard and he never came.
Tim: You waited five seconds.
Randy: You didn't say how long we had to wait.
Tim: Don't get smart.
Jill: Hey, I think you're missing the point here. We are a family. If one of us is hurting, we're all hurting. If you hurt Mark's feelings, you hurt my feelings and your father's feelings. Right, Tim?
Tim: Right.
Jill: And Tim, I think you have something that you want to say here.
Tim: You guys like cauliflower?

Tim: All right, all right, all right. However much fun you think it is to torment your younger brother, it's wrong.
Randy: But Dad, what about all those terrible things you did to Uncle Steve? He's your younger brother.
Tim: Uncle Steve is a major pain in the... This is different.
Brad: Why?
Tim: Because Steve knew I was kidding. That's why.
Randy: Well, then why doesn't he come to any family reunions?
Tim: Because he lives so far away.
Brad: No, he doesn't. He just lives...
Tim: Hey, hey. You know... We're not talking about your Uncle Steve. We're talking about you two.

Jill: What are you doing?
Tim: Looking for something to put that chilli in.
Jill: How about a trash bag?
Tim: I'm looking for that big pot we take on cookouts with us.
Jill: Oh, OK. You know, I think that our talk with Brad and Randy really helped. 'cause they've been really nice to Mark for almost an hour.

Tim: Whoa! Look at this thing. That old strobe light I had in my dormitory room. [dances]
Jill: Very groovy and far-out, man.
Tim: And it wasn't even on half the time.
Whoa! All these old eight-track tapes. "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" [sings] In-a-gadda-da-vida, baby
Jill: OK, smart guy. Who sang "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"?
Tim: I just was. [sings] In-a-gadda-da-vida...

Jill: Mark, come here. Come here. Now. Look here. Do you see any lips there?
Mark: Not really.
Jill: There. See? You have got to stop listening to those two. Come here and give me a hug. You want to go and get yourself some Earth juice?
Mark: Yeah.

Jill: Aliens. Those guys never stop. I give up.
Tim: It's time for the master tormentor to take over.
Jill: If you want to torment them, you should just ground them with no TV.
Tim: Ha! That would be a penalty for earthlings. We need a penalty suitable for aliens.
Jill: Okay, I am behind you. I think.
Mark: Are you gonna make Brad and Randy say they're sorry?
Tim: Well, you have two choices. We could make them apologize - eh - or we could get even.
Mark: Get even!
Tim: That's my boy. [both grunt]

Mark: Mr. Zelnot, where's the spaceship?
Randy: It'll be here in two minutes.
Brad: You have to wait over here.
Randy: Yeah, and remember, when your mom and dad come out, say goodbye real fast.
Brad: But don't hug them or your arms will melt.
Randy: Yeah, now get down on your knees and close your eyes. And whatever you do, don't move or your skull will cave in.

Tim: Well, I think the master tormentor has done his job. And now I have a little surprise for you. Let's see... [music plays]
Jill: You remembered.
Tim: Harry Nilsson, "Without You".
Jill: That's right.
Tim: I'd be a whole lot happier. [Jill slaps Tim's shoulder] I'm just kidding. [Jill chuckles] The master tormentor is now the master rememberer.