Jill: Name the first song that we ever slow-danced to. I'm waiting.
Tim: Give me a minute. Give me a minute. We were at the Glitter Ballroom.
Jill: Mm-hm.
Tim: We were dancing close. You had an angora sweater on. Doused in Shalimar or something.
Jill: Yeah. Yeah.
Tim: I had just the right amount of Jade East on. Our bodies were pressed close.
Jill: Tim, what was the name of the song?
Tim: Did it have the words "cold shower" in it?
Jill: [chuckles] No. But if you think of the song, I'll be upstairs.

Mark: Mom said you're supposed to be nice to me.
Randy: You see Mom anywhere in this back yard? Now get lost.
Mark: But you've got to play with me. We're brothers.
Randy: We're not your brothers.
Mark: Yes, you are.
Randy: I'm gonna let you in on a secret. We're aliens from outer space.
Mark: You're a big fat liar, Randy.
Randy: My name isn't Randy. It's Zelnot.
Brad: I'm Zorton.
Mark: No, you're not. You're Brad and Randy.

Randy: Brad and Randy are gone. We sucked the blood out of their brains and took over their bodies. We have many powers. We can read minds.
Mark: No, you can't.
Randy: I'll prove it. Zorton.
Brad: Talk to me, Zelnot.
Randy: I'm thinking of a number between one and ten. What is it?
Brad: Four.
Randy: That's right.
Mark: How'd you do that?
[Randy and Brad talk gibberish to each other]

Mark: I'm telling Mom and Dad. You're in big trouble.
Randy: Hey, they're not your mom and dad. They're aliens too.
Mark: Are not.
Randy: Are too. Our spaceship's coming to pick us up tonight.
Brad: Yeah. And we're gonna leave you here all alone for the rest of your life.
Mark: You don't scare me. [runs away]
Randy: Hold it. You better walk backwards until after we leave tonight.
Mark: Why?
Randy: Because aliens can't suck your blood if you're walking backwards.
Brad: Yeah. Our real lips are in the back of our heads.

Jill: Mark, what are you doing?
Mark: Nothing.
Tim: Why are you walking backwards? You could hurt yourself doing that.
Mark: Better than getting all my blood sucked out.
Tim: He's got a good point there.

Jill: Have you been talking to your brothers? What have they been telling you now?
Mark: They said you're all from outer space.
Jill: Honey, you know that's not true.
Tim: Jill, sometimes you wake up early in the morning, and you look...
Mark: They said you have lips in the back of your head.
Tim: Jill, sometimes you wake up early...

Tim: Last time, I promised construction-site cooking. That's why I invited the guys at K&B construction down to the set. Rock Lannigan, Dwayne Hoover and Pete Bilker. How you doing, Pete?
Pete: Hi, Tim.
Tim: Nice beard.
Pete: Well, thank you, Tim. I grew it because of Al. He's my hero. [Al salutes Pete]
Tim: Yeah, mine too.

Jill: Tell me something. Did you do all of this to teach them a lesson, or just cos it was fun?
Tim: What do you think?
Jill: I think it was really fun, but I don't think they learned a thing.
Tim: I think you're wrong. I think those boys learned a valuable lesson, and they won't be messing with anybody for a long time.
[Brad, Randy and Mark stands on the basement steps wearing Halloween masks and holding flashlights up to their faces]
Boys: Aah!
Jill: Back to bed, boys.
Tim: Those kids look a lot like your side of the family.

Tim: Well, wWhile we let that cream softener dry, I'm going to ask you a question. When you're pounding those nails, do you hit your thumb more than you hit the head of the nail? Sure you do. Tool tip from old Tim is use a household bobby pin to hold the nail. You secure it, no problem. Al, you want to hold that for me?
Al: The point of the bobby pin is that you can do it yourself.
Tim: But Al, you're such an important part of the show. I want your help. [Tim raises his eyebrows to camera]
[As Al holds the nail down, Tim gently hits the nail twice
Tim: Aah!
[Al removes his hand]
Tim: Good reflexes, Al. Do you play lacrosse or something? There you go. We've set the nail. And no one's injured any appendages.

Mark: Mom, look what I colored for you.
Jill: Ohh! Honey, that's beautiful.
Tim: Oh, that's some good-looking airplane.
Mark: It's not an airplane. It's Mom.
Tim: I... I thought those were propellers.
Jill: They are.