Jill: Oh, good! You got the carrot cake.
Tim: They did a great job on this thing. They got all those candy corns in the shape of jack-o'-lanterns. Look at this thing.
[Jill screams as she opens the box and a bloodied head pops out]
Jill: Aah!

Tim: I can see by the clock on the wall that we have... way too many minutes left. So we can do a quick pose-off, Al and I. [as Schwarzenegger] Come on, Maria, show me your biceps.

Jill: I really am grateful to you for helping me with this party.
Marie: What else have I got to do? Joe's out of town.
Jill: I can think of a few things I'd like to do when Tim's out of town.
Marie: Like what?
Jill: Change the locks.

Jill: Oh, no. What's gonna pop out of that?
Tim: Nothing. That's some cookies a fan made me.
Jill: Yeah, right. You have a fan.

Tim: Her name is Rose, and she sent me two letters this week.
Marie: Let's see.
Jill: No! Don't touch that. It's probably full of slimy eyeballs or something. [Tim opens the container]
Jill: Ooh! Cookies! Give me one.
Tim: No. You made fun of me.
Marie: How about me?
Tim: No. You're her friend.

Tim: [answers phone] Yello. Happy Halloween. Boo. Rose? Rose - Cookie Rose? Sure, I got the cookies. Yes, thank you very much. What? You're in love with me? You want me? It's a gag, Jill. It's not that funny. Of course you're not Jill. Oh, no. How silly of me. No, no. In that case, I love you, too. Yes. We should go some... Alone, alone. Jill won't know. Yeah, my wife, she's real slow.
Jill: Excuse me?
Tim: Yeah, Jill, yeah. Hi, Ji- Jill, you're not on the phone?
Jill: And you call me slow?
Tim: That means this is Rose, the woman that sent me the cookies. She says she wants me.
Jill: Tell her she can have you.
Tim: You tell her.
Jill: [on the phone] You can have him. Hello? Hello? There is no one here, Tim. You are so full of it! What, is a little head gonna pop out of here now?
Tim: No. She was on the phone.
Jill: How could she get our number? It's unlisted.
Tim: How the heck do I know? But Rose was on the phone.
Jill: Yeah, right. Look, Tim, I know how badly you want a fan. Just hang in there. One of these days, you'll get one.

Wilson: Tim, I wouldn't worry about it. If the cookies were poisoned, you'd feel the effects by now.
Tim: I don't know. I got this burning-bile feeling in there now.
Wilson: You're gonna be fine.

Tim: Is that you, Rose? [holds up baseball bat as he opens door]
Marie: Hello. Nice to see you, too.
Tim: Sorry. I thought you were some crazed wacko.
Marie: Oh, I'm just your run-of-the-mill wacko.

Marie: Tim, I got some jack-o'-lanterns in the car. Will you get 'em for me?
Tim: You bet. Sure.
Jill: Unless you are afraid that Rose is hiding in the backseat. [Tim hisses]

Marie: He really looks nervous.
Jill: Yeah, he's a total wreck. Isn't it great?
Marie: It's the very best prank I've seen since we superglued Grandma to the toilet seat.
Jill: You what?
Marie: Hey, she wasn't my grandma.