Tim: Did you notice whether there were any women in the audience today?
Al: I didn't notice, but there's always a few. Why?
Tim: No reason. Hey, do me a favor. Would you go out there and see if any of them look... obsessed?
Al: Obsessed?
Tim: Yeah. You know, the same look you get when you're sitting in front of a plate of pancakes.

Heidi: And here they are, those two guys who are no fools when it comes to tools - Tim Taylor and Al Borland! Whoo!
Tim: Thank you. Welcome to Tool Time. Golly, there's a lot of women in the audience today, Heidi.
Heidi: That's right, Tim. This afternoon, we're honored to have with us the Women's Sharpshooters Club of Detroit!
Tim: Well, welcome, sharpshooters. I am Tim Taylor. This is Tool Time. You all know my assistant - Al "Bull's-Eye" Borland. You know, a lot of people don't know that Tool Time isn't just about home improvement. It's also about frisking people. Would you take the honors today, Al?
Al: I don't think so, Tim. Today, we're going to be talking about insulating windows.
Tim: Yes, we are. Caulking, window insulation... And that's all the time we have. Have a safe drive home.

Tim: Honey, what were you thinking about when you picked out these costumes? A widow and a corpse?
Jill: Well, by the time I got there, there wasn't much left. You know, it was either a corpse or Bob Vila.
Tim: What's the difference?
Tim: Is it just my imagination, or are we surrounded by death tonight?
Jill: Well, death was a very hot costume this year. You know, black is very slimming.
Tim: Why don't these people just get dressed up as licorice?

Mark: Hello.
Randy: Hello.
Brad: Hello.
Boys: Hello!
Jill: Wait a minute. Why did your father dress you all alike?
Brad: Well, we all wanted to be Moe.

Tim: Excuse us for a minute. Rose is here.
Jill: Rose, the obsessed fan?
Tim: No, Rose Kennedy. Yes, Rose, the obsessed fan!

Jill: What's all this stuff?
Tim: Oh, I thought I'd put a little romance back in Halloween.
Jill: Well, I've always been attracted to dead, pasty-faced guys. [laughs]
Tim: You better kiss me before rigor mortis sets in. Care to dance, my widow woman?
Jill: I'd love to, Dead Astaire.
Tim: Ah. Nice party.
Jill: Spin me, Mr. Taylor. Spin me.
Tim: You got it.
[Jill screams as she is spun away from Tim and takes his arm with him]
Jill: Aah!
Tim: The king is back! He's got one arm, but the king is back. Thank you.

Mark: Ooh, nice warts.
Tim: Yeah? Wait till you see what I got your mom, huh. I got her the biggest, hairiest mole they make.
Jill: Ooh. This is gonna go well with that armpit hair you gave me last Halloween. Is that good?

Brad: Guys, here she comes. Get ready.
Randy: Hmm. Mom, my mouth hurts. [blood dribbles out of the boys' mouths onto the kitchen counter]
Jill: You see what happens when you don't floss?
Tim: [enters] Hey, all right. Blood capsules. Cool. And you know what goes really good with those?
Brad: What?
Tim: Pus pellets.
Randy: Ew!
Tim: I got yellow and green ones, enough for all you guys, but don't squeeze 'em until Halloween.

Brad: Oh, Dad. Now we have all this Halloween junk. Skeletons, brains and mummy-wrapping tape.
Tim: Gotta have wrapping tape. You don't want to see your mummy naked.
Jill: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Very funny.

Mark: Dad, I don't see any rubber guts.
Randy: How can we have a Halloween party without rubber guts?
Tim: Let me tell you something, little mister. When I was your age, we didn't have rubber guts. We had to use real guts.
Jill: This is why you're lucky to have two parents. I got these from the rubber-guts catalog.
Brad: All right.
Jill: Here's your stomach, your large intestine, a spleen, some colon.