Marie: You know, Jill, I think you should take this Rose thing seriously. I'm in therapy, so I know for a fact there are a lot of nuts out there.
Jill: But why would anyone be obsessed with Tim?
Tim: Because I'm very obsessable.
Jill: Oh, Tim. I'm married to you, and I barely think about you.
Tim: Jill, you think this is real funny, don't you? There could be a woman out there fantasizing about me right now.
Jill: Oh, what is she fantasizing, that you come over to her house late at night, bring some wine and blow up her garbage disposal?

Tim: "Dear Tim, I'm your biggest fan. I watch you every day and dream about you every night. I hope you like these cookies I baked." You bet I will. "Your admirer, Rose." You know, this is the second letter I've gotten from Rose this week. Did you hear that, Al? She dreams about me every night.
Al: It sounds like she has a sleeping disorder.
Tim: Al, don't be jealous, don't be jealous. You'll get some letters one day. Just change your name to "Occupant."
Al: That wouldn't be necessary, Tim. Heidi, my mail, please.
Heidi: [brings in a wheelbarrow full of envelopes] Here you go, Al.
Al: Thank you, Heidi.
Heidi: You're welcome.
Al: If Tim's face appears green, don't adjust your TV. It's just envy.
Tim: Yeah, but anybody can get letters like that. I got cookies.
Al: Boys! [two men bring in wheelbarrows full of gifts]

Tim: Hey, Wilson.
Wilson: Hi-dee-ho and boo, good neighbor.
Tim: Hey, let me ask you a question. Let's say you wanted my phone number. How would you get it?
Wilson: Well, I already have your phone number.
Tim: I know. What if you didn't have it?
Wilson: I suppose I'd just ask you for it.
Tim: What if you didn't know me?
Wilson: Then why would I want to call you?
Tim: Boy, I wish I was friendly with some of the other neighbors around here.

Jill: Tim, put the bat down. I'm so sorry, Marie. Remember that woman that sent him the cookies? He's convinced that she's obsessed with him. [Marie chuckles] You want some coffee?
Marie: Yeah, I'd love some.
Tim: Wilson said sometimes obsessed fans will send you poisoned food.
Jill: Ooh! That's true. Those cookies had a lot of butter in them. Butter's very high in cholesterol. She could be trying to kill you slowly.

Tim: [on the phone] Operator? What's the number for 911? Slow down. [knock at door] Jill?
Woman: [o.s.] Guess again. It's Rose.
Tim: I'll... be right there. I'm just going to fix my face. Ugh. Come on in. Come on.
[Tim screams as a woman in red approaches him from the bathroom]
Tim: Aah!
Al: [takes off the red veil] Trick or treat! [whopping and laughter]
Jill: You look beautiful!
Al: That was a great trick!
Jill: The king of Halloween is dead. Long live the queen.

Al: As you can see, with the Binford Light Oak stain, you get a nice... [Tim dozes off] honey-colored... [Tim mouths "finish"] ...finish.
Tim: That's right, Al. When you're all finished with this, you wanna put a thin coat of Binford polyurethane on there. Now Binford provides this in an economical two-gallon size. Al, you want to pop the top?
Al: Be glad to, Tim.
[Al screams as a bloodied head pops out of the paint can as he opens it]
Al: Aah!
Tim: [makes the head pop up and down] Al... Al... Al... Al...Al. I can't believe you fell for the old "head in the polyurethane" gag.
Al: I guess this must mean Halloween is just around the corner. Or else you've found a sick new way to celebrate Columbus Day.
Tim: Nope, Halloween. [makes the head pop up again] No, no, no, no, no!

Tim: Hey, guys, what are you gonna be for Halloween?
Brad: We're gonna be the Three Stooges.
Tim: Yes! That's great! I grew up with those guys. I love those guys. The Stooges. Moe for his leadership qualities. Larry for his quick wit. Curly for his ability to go, "Whoo-whoo-whoo!"
Boys: Whoo-whoo-whoo.
Jill: Of all the people in the world, why do you wanna be the Stooges? They're obnoxious, they're constantly hitting each other... It just became clear.

Marie: What is it with the Stooges anyway? All men seem to adore them, even the smart ones.
Jill: I don't think that Einstein did.
Tim: Are you kidding? Einstein was a big Stooge fan. Why do you think he wore his hair like Larry's?

Wilson: What is troubling you, my little fence friend?
Tim: [eating cookie] All right. I got kind of an odd call by this woman who sent me a fan letter at work. My phone number's unlisted.
Wilson: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. That is a concern. I hope you're not dealing with an obsessed fan. [Tim mumbles] No, no, no, no, Tim. Sometimes they see somebody on TV, they start idolizing that person. Sometimes they even send them gifts.
Tim: Like chocolate macadamia nut cookies?
Wilson: That's a good and tasty possibility. Though I'd be very cautious about eating anything that they send.
[Tim spits out the cookie]

Jill: [on the phone] Oh, Marie, it is going so well. This is gonna get Tim back for every Halloween prank he ever pulled on me. The severed thumb in my Jell-O. Yeah, the tarantula in my underwear drawer. Well, Wilson is in on it, too. Yeah, yeah. He's freaking him out even more.