Mike: Tim, you were supposed to be having a romantic weekend with your wife?
Tim: Yes, that was the original idea. Mike, this is my wife Jill Taylor.
Jill: Hi. It's nice to meet you. Some romantic weekend. We've spent a grand total of five minutes together.
Bud: Jill, listen, it wasn't Tim's fault. I mean, I pushed him into this so we could close the Chicago deal with Mike.
Mike: Well, I'm kinda disappointed in you two guys.
Jill: I can't understand why you didn't tell me. I would've understood.
Tim: You would've?
Mike: The relationship has got to come first. That's how I keep those home fires burning. And let me tell you, those home fires are burning five nights a week.
Tim: We read about you.

Randy: So this girl follows you around the whole day?
Mark: Even at recess.
Randy: Sounds like she's got the hots for you, Mark.
Mark: I know. How do I get rid of her?
Randy: Just be yourself.

Brad: Mark. Mark, if you have any questions about girls, you shouldn't be asking Randy. You should ask somebody who knows.
Mark: Right. Wilson.

Randy: Hey, Dad. Hey, Al. How are the Tool Times coming?
Tim: Well, we got plenty of ideas. Lot of them. I mean, actually, thousands. Whole bunch of 'em.
Randy: You got nothing.
Tim: Zilch.

Tim: Apparently Jill read some survey where there are couples who get romantic five nights a week.
Al: Five nights a week? Is that legal?
Tim: Apparently. Now I gotta find time to be with her five nights a week.
Al: [sees Jill] No, Tim.
Tim: Yes, whether I want to or not.
Al: Tim.
Tim: Al.
Al: No.
Tim: Jill?
Al: Yeah.
Jill: Yes, that's me, your wife, whether I wanna be or not.

Al: Oh, hey! That was my idea.
Tim: Al... we're a team. There's no "I" in the word team.
Al: No, but there's a "u" in "you always take the credit."
Bud: There's also a "w" in "who cares?" Huh? Now, let's just go over your ideas so Tim and I can present 'em to the Chicago station manager tomorrow.

Bud: No, Mike can't make it today.
Tim: Well, I can't make it tomorrow.
Bud: Why not?
Tim: I got in a fight with Jill, and I told her I'd take her to that new Japanese hotel.
Bud: Oh, the old save-the-relationship weekend. We've all had those, yeah.
Tim: I guess you can understand why it would be impossible for me to show up for a business meeting.
Bud: Absolutely. I'll just bring the meeting to you.
Tim: No.
Bud: Yeah. Hotel bar, 5:00 sharp, you be there.

Bud: [on the phone] Listen, slight change of plans. Mike wanted to meet early.
Tim: Early? What do you mean, early?
Bud: Yeah, well, he promised his wife they'd go out for a romantic dinner.
Tim: Well, I don't care. I promised my wife we'd play "Hide the Soap in the Hot Tub."
Bud: Well, one of you guys are gonna break your promise, and it's not him. Now get your butt down here.
Tim: We gotta talk about this, Bud. [Bud hangs up]

Jill: [o.s.] Who was that on the phone?
Tim: The front desk. They forgot to give us our complimentary kimonos. I'm going to run down and get 'em.
Jill: Why don't they just send 'em up?
Tim: They're very busy. I'm in a hurry to get mine, you know, 'cause I'm really into this Japanese style thing. Sayonara, alligator.

Mike: Tim, your show's got a lot of local flavor.
Tim: Thanks. We work really hard to make it feel that way.
Mike: I got a big problem with that.
Tim: Gone. Over with. Don't have to have it. Done.
Mike: Love this guy.
Bud: Oh, I loved him first.