Tim: I wanna finish this whole thing up by 11:00 tonight.
Al: What happens at 11?
Tim: I got some work to do upstairs.
Al: What do you gotta do?
Tim: Somethin' with Jill.
Al: What?
Tim: Use your imagination.
Al: You mean... Oh! Have marital relations.
Tim: You make it sound so dirty.

Al: All right, this one is surefire!
Tim: All right, some enthusiasm. Sell it, man, sell it.
Al: OK. Our potential audience in Chicago is what? Half apartment dwellers. For them, a big issue is what?
Tim: Cockroaches.
Al: No. Safety. Picture this - a Tool Time salute to peepholes.
Tim: You gotta do better than that. Bud'll be here in a minute.
Al: All right. OK, OK. Chicago apartments. Every apartment has what?
Tim: Cockroaches.
Al: Fire escapes. Okay, fire escapes as urban patios. Yes, I see ferns, I see bird feeders.
Tim: I see every apartment dweller throwing their TV out the window.

Bud: Al, were you a little late this morning?
Al: Yeah. But my mother had a problem. She broke down on the interstate and had to be towed.
Bud: Oh. Sounds like quite an ordeal.
Tim: Especially since she doesn't have a car.

Bud: Tim, it's Friday. What do you got? I bet you got so many ideas, you don't know where to start.
Tim: Right, boss. I don't know where to start.
Al: Well, you know, a lot of people in Chicago are apartment dwellers.
Tim: Al...
Bud: Wait, wait, wait. No, that's true. In fact, the research shows that 53% of our target audience... lives in apartments.
Al: 53 percent!
Tim: That's right! That's exactly why I came up with this. Chicago apartment dwellers have what?
Bud: Cockroaches?
Tim: No, no! Fire escapes. Picture this - fire escapes as urban patios.
Bud: I like it.

Jill: Oh, this is so beautiful.
Tim: I can see why you always wanted to come to this hotel. Great view. The... Where are we supposed to sit?
Jill: On the floor. This is an authentic Japanese bedroom.
Tim: Well, where's the authentic Japanese bed?
Jill: Well, I assume it's in the closet. Yes. We take these futons out and put them on the floor where we wanna sleep.
Tim: Well, we sit on the floor, we sleep on the floor. I'm afraid to look in the bathroom.

Jill: You know, what we should do, we should go get a massage.
Tim: No, I'm not much for massages. If I'm getting oiled, I want it done by a licensed mechanic.
Jill: Well, maybe you should go away for a weekend with your mechanic.
Tim: Way ahead of you. Chuck and I are booked into a bed and breakfast for Valentine's Day.

Mike: Hey, what do you say we forget these drinks and talk about this while we're getting a shiatsu?
Tim: Well, as much as I like shopping for small yapping dogs... [chuckles] I'm a little pressed for time.
Mike: A shiatsu is a massage.
Tim: Then I'd much rather shop for a small yapping dog.
Bud: Aw, Tim's just kidding. He'd love to go for a massage.
Mike: Oh, good! Because I've signed some of my biggest deals in the massage room with nothing but a towel covering my butt.
Tim: I hate to think where you keep your pen.

Bud: So, Mike, what kind of massage do you prefer?
Mike: Oh, deep tissue.
Bud: Oh, me too.
Tim: Yeah, yeah. All right, deep as you go and as fast as you can get there.
Bud: Tim, you ever had one of these massages before?
Tim: No.
Mike: Well, they're kinda painful if you're not used to it.
Tim: Look at the size of the woman. How much pain can she inflict? Ow! Ow!

Bud: Tim, come here. Listen, I want you to meet Mike McKewen.
Tim: Mike McKewen, Tim Taylor. Good to meet you.
Mike: Forget the shaking. Give me a hug.
Tim: I'm not much of a hugging guy, thanks.
Bud: The man wants a hug, Tim. Give him a hug.

Jill: What are you doing?
Tim: I think I'm doing Ringo's part.
Jill: We are supposed to be having a romantic weekend, and I come down here and find you singing a love song to Bud.
Tim: Well, I was singing to Bud, but I was thinking of you.