Tim: Who are you calling?
Jill: The time.
Tim: Oh, I got the time. It's 9:35.
Jill: [on the phone] Hello, Marie?
Tim: Oh, boy.
Jill: How much time did you give Tim to get that picture? [Tim looks away] Three weeks. Yeah, yeah. Thanks, Marie. Bye. [hangs up]
Tim: Hey, how's Marie?
Jill: Three weeks. You said the last minute.
Tim: Who are you gonna believe? My... my guess would be Marie.

Jill: Thank you for ruining one of the most important nights of my life.
Tim: It didn't ruin it. You raised all the money. People loved your speech. Oh, come on. There is a bright spot. Everybody was laughin' so hard at the picture, they didn't see that skaggy dress you have on. [door slams] Hey, why don't I just sleep on the couch?

Al: Oh, boy. That is a terrib... [sees Jill] ...ly nice picture of you.

Randy: Hi, Mom.
Brad: Whoa! Mom, is that you? That's the worst picture I've ever seen.
Randy: Yeah. You look like the Nuttiest Raccoon.
Tim: Your father picked it out.
Brad: Way to go, Dad.
Randy: Wouldn't wanna be in your shoes, bud.

Tim: Honey, that's how I concentrate.
Jill: So, you're saying that you heard everything I said about the library fund-raiser?
Tim: Yeah. It's right up here.
Jill: Yeah? Well... Um, what are we raising money for?
Tim: The library.
Jill: What part of the library?
Tim: The part of the library that needs money raised for it.
Jill: You see? It's useless. I mean, I guess it's too much to expect you to put yourself aside and think of me for a change.

Tim: I was thinking about what you said, so I got you something special.
Jill: Tim, I don't believe you did this.
Tim: Well, I just wanted everyone to see you like I see you.
Jill: Honey, that's really sweet.
Tim: Not only did I get the right picture this time, I went and had everybody re-sign it.
Jill: Even that plastic surgeon who wrote, "I hope you have a good personality"?
Tim: You should've seen his face when I walked in during liposuction to get the signature.

Jill: Oh... Tim. This is so great that you did this. But, um... you know, I just gotta say, it's really big. So what are we gonna do with it?
Tim: I'll buy you a big wallet.
Tim: In the meantime, tonight I'm gonna cook you a fabulous dinner. Steak, mashed potatoes and peas.
Jill: That is so sweet.
Tim: I'm gonna use those little peas, those ones I can shoot halfway across the room.

Al: Could we have some quiet here? I'm trying to line up my shot.
Tim: Boy, take a pill, will you? It's not your shot, anyway. Brad the champion goes first.
Al: Champion, champion, champion.

Brad: Can I... Can I go now?
Al: The game is not over.
Tim: Pressure's on, Al. Next up, Al "The Double Bogeyman" Borland. Al's always had trouble on these greens here. Doesn't like the concession... area.
[After Al takes his swing and it looks to be on target, Tim uses a remote control to cover the original cup on the mini-golf green and open another one a few inches over]