Captain Lloyd Jenkins: Tim, Captain Lloyd Jenkins. Welcome aboard.
Tim: Captain. Well, Captain, think you're ready for Tool Time?
Captain Lloyd Jenkins: Sure, Tim. I think we're all prepared.
[Captain Jenkins points to a sign on the ship which reads "BEWARE OF JET BLAST PROPELLERS AND TIM"]

Heidi: Welcome to Tool Time, coming to you from the USS Constellation aircraft carrier.
Tim: Thank you, Heidi, and welcome to a very special Tool Time salute... [plane taking off] - ...to engines. We're in the hangar bay of the ship with the ship's captain, Captain Lloyd Jenkins. Thank you for having us on board.
Captain Lloyd Jenkins: Our pleasure, Tim.
Tim: Right behind me is the Navy's most advanced fighter, the F-1 5.
Al: Actually, Tim, it's the F-1 8.
Tim: Eighteen, 15... it's a number, isn't it?
Al: Well, this baby sports twin low bypass turbo engine fans with a 1600 gallon internal fuel capacity. Isn't that right, Captain Jenkins?
Captain Lloyd Jenkins: That's exactly right, Al. You seem to be quite an expert when it comes to the Navy.
Al: Well, sir, as a former Seabee I like to keep my oars in the water.
Tim: He was stationed in Nevada. The closest he ever got to the water was the fountain at Caesars Palace.

Tim: We've just entered the Constellation's combat direction center, this carrier's state-of-the-art mission control facility. These sailors have a tremendous responsibility. However... When mine does that at home the cursor has to be moved over to the left and in.... That's all. [alarm sounding] Whoa, whoa. What did I do here?
Captain Lloyd Jenkins: Tim, you just declared war on Finland.
Tim: Huh?
Al: I'm ready to serve, sir.
Captain Lloyd Jenkins: Just kidding, Al. When we found out Tim was coming aboard we deactivated our weapons.
Tim: Really.

Captain Lloyd Jenkins: This is our diesel engine room, Tim. [Tim bangs his head on a pipe] Tim, on a ship, like in a basement, you might want to watch your head.

[Jill walks in on Brad and Angela kissing on his bed]
Angela: [jumps up] Hi, Mrs. Taylor. I was just on my way out. So I can't stay and talk. I love your hair. Bye.
Brad: Angela, I'll call you later. So, um, Mom, what are you doing home?
Jill: My class was cancelled. What do you have to say for yourself?
Brad: Well, your hair does look kind of good right now.

Randy: Mom, I'm gonna be a little late today.
Jill: Where are you going?
Randy: I'm going to go over to David's house.
Jill: Estimated time of return?
Randy: I don't know. 5:30?
Jill: Reason for visit?
Randy: Gambling and devil worship. Look, Mom, don't take this Brad thing out on me. I haven't even had a girl in my room yet.
Jill: Yet?
Randy: I gotta go.

Tim: All right, what's the deal with Brad?
Jill: I wish I knew. It's time to sit him down and talk to him - and find out how far this has gone.
Tim: Roger that. It's always important to pinpoint the problem and pull no punches.
Jill: I'm so glad you feel that way.
Tim: Tell me how it works out.
Jill: Hey! You're going to be the one dealing with this.
Tim: Me?
Jill: Yes! You're the father.
Tim: Why don't we just get him a book or something?
Jill: Tim, this requires an actual discussion. It's not like when we were potty training him and we could just read a book about it.
Tim: I loved that book, Everybody Poops.

Tim: Hey, Brad.
Brad: Hey, Dad. Do we still have a Navy?
Tim: You do. I'm not sure they'd defend me at this point.

Wilson: I thought you discussed birds and bees years ago with Brad years ago.
Tim: I did. But the bee's found a honey and he's gone a bit cuckoo.
Wilson: Oh. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. You seem quite at ease about it. I must say, I'm very impressed you can speak openly to Brad about, you know...
Tim: Sex.
Wilson: Mm-hmm. [both chuckling]
Tim: Uh, it was a snap. It was over in a couple seconds.
Wilson: Seconds?
Tim: Yeah, I just said, "If you got any questions, just holler".
Wilson: And?
Tim: And I avoided the issue. I said nothing and I blew the whole thing.
Wilson: Well, maybe you should just try again.
Tim: You're right. I just want to say the right thing. If I mess up and turn him off, I'm afraid he'll never come to me again.

Brad: Look, Dad, I know all about safe sex. There's nothing to worry about.
Tim: If you're having sex in high school there is something to worry about.
Brad: Dad, I'm not having sex. Not with Angela, not with anybody.
Tim: I know that. That's good. Of course not.
Brad: So, Dad, how old were you your first time?
Tim: What? Uh... 37.
Brad: I thought you wanted to have a real talk.
Tim: Well, I was a few years older than you. But I was still way too young. I knew nothing about women.
Brad: You didn't?
Tim: No, I knew the mechanics of it and everything. But I didn't realize how much responsibility was involved in having an intimate relationship with girls.
Brad: Wow. I never heard you talk like this before.
Tim: Well, it's kind of hard for me to talk about stuff like this with you. It's hard for me to talk about stuff like this with Mom. But we opened a line of communication and I want to keep it that way. This makes me feel real good, okay?