Tim: Carrie, you're home early.
Carrie: Yeah. Am I glad that job's over! My feet are killing me.
Jill: Please, no more feet.

Jeff: And thanks for sending me those photographs from Tim's Fourth of July party.
Carrie: Oh, we had a great time together.
Jeff: Oh, yeah.
Carrie: Until Tim almost shot that bottle rocket up your...
Tim: Heineken anyone?

Jill: I hate boxing. It's bloody. It's vicious.
Tim: Sounds like Jeff's last marriage.
Jeff: Yeah. Since the last time I saw you, my wife and I split up.
Carrie: Yeah, Jill told me that she left you and you're living with your mother again.
Jeff: Gee! Thanks for the build-up.
Jill: I guess it lost a little something in the translation.
Tim: You think?

Tim: Chi Chi!
Jeff: Man, those body blows are unbelievable! Twenty bucks says Chi Chi comes out of this with a ruptured spleen.
Tim: You're on.
Jeff: Okay.
Tim: I happen to know he lost his spleen in the Lopez fight. That's why he's down a weight class.
Jill: I can't stand this anymore. I'm gonna go upstairs and read. Good night, guys.
Jeff: Was that a tooth that flew out of his mouth?
Tim: Tonsil.

Carrie: Oh, this is great, I love watching sweaty, muscular guys test their manhood.
Jeff: You know, in college I used to fight.
Carrie: You were a boxer?
Jeff: Well, I know my way around the ring, yeah.
Tim: They called you what, "The Humongous Fungus," right? Get him, Itchy Toe! Hit him, Itchy Toe! Come on, baby!

Tim: Hey, what a fight! What a fight! Chi Chi must've stopped 87 shots with his head.
Jill: So, he lost again?
Tim: No! No! Won the fight. It was on a technicality. But a win is a win. I guess Ironhead's urine sample came up a bit dirty.

[Tim kisses Jill's neck]
Jill: What are you doing?
Tim: Hoping to log on to Windows 98.
Jill: We can't be doing that. My sister's gonna be up here any minute.
Tim: So?
Jill: So she'll be right next door. And she's not a sound sleeper.
Tim: I don't think she'll be up for a while.
Jill: How do you know that?
Tim: Because Jeff is talking about shoes, and feet. His feet, her feet, our family's feet. You know, if you took a little whiff right here... You might become intoxicated by the deep aroma of wood.

Jill: That's Carrie! You said she wouldn't be up here!
Tim: Jeff probably took his socks off.
Jill: Well, that's it. We can't do that now.
Tim: Why not?
Jill: It'd be too weird. Yuck!
Tim: It doesn't bother me.
Jill: Well, you'd be comfortable doing it with a relative in the room.
Tim: If you're not comfortable in front of family, why bother?

Jill: I'm sorry, honey. But there's not any sex happening here tonight.
[Jeff and Carrie laugh off-screen]
Carrie: [o.s.] Oh, yeah.
Jeff: [o.s.] Oh, yeah.
Jill: Oh, no!

Jill: I can't believe my sister's in there with your brother.
Tim: I can't believe my brother's feet are touching those sheets. We're gonna have to boil those things, you know.
Jill: How could they be involved with each other?
Tim: Maybe they're not involved. Maybe they just stepped up here for a quick boink.