Al: You can keep this crack from getting any bigger by installing a decorative butterfly key.
Tim: Like one of these ones I carved earlier today.
Al: Well, Tim, that's made of ash.
Tim: I know.
Al: Well, our table is made of bird's-eye maple. They're from two different families.
Tim: So what?
Al: Well, ash is a coarse grain and maple's a fine grain. They just... They don't go together.
Tim: Are you saying your wood is better than my wood?
Al: No.
Tim: Your wood is classier and more intelligent than my wood?
Al: What are you talking about?
Tim: I'm talking about people that look down on other people's wood. Maybe your maple could just kiss my ash.

Jill: Hey, Wilson.
Wilson: Hi-ho, Jill.
Jill: What are you doing?
Wilson: I am celebrating Yabusame. You know, at Yabusame time in Japan, members of the Shinto religion shoot arrows to expel evil influences and resolve long-standing quarrels.
Jill: Well, if you have any extra arrows, you ought to send one over here.
Wilson: Problem, neighbor-san?

Jill: My sister Carrie started seeing Tim's brother Jeff. We won't go into the how, when and where of that. But I didn't think it was a good match. Tim got all sensitive about it, accused me of looking down on his family.
Wilson: Well, why did he do that?
Jill: I have no idea. I have always been the one who defended his family.
Wilson: To whom?
Jill: My family. Well, you know, my dad.
Wilson: Oh, yes! The Colonel!
Jill: He was a very opinionated man. Judged everybody according to rank.
Wilson: Oh, I remember that. Used to call Tim "Corporal Punishment."
Jill: Well, then he promoted him to "Major Butt-head." I never wanted to be like my dad. You know, look down on people. That's why I've always been very accepting of Tim's brothers.
Wilson: Accepting of Tim's brothers?
Jill: If you're trying to imply that Tim's right, you are way, way off base. If I was that judgmental, I never would have married someone like Tim. "Someone like Tim." Oh, my God! Listen to me. I've become my father without the scowl.

Tim: I saw Jeff's car. Where's he taking Carrie?
Jill: Dinner and a fight.
Tim: Sounds like Friday night at our house.

Tim: I thought you had to go to the class today.
Jill: Not till about 10:00.
Tim: Oh, boy!
Jill: I have a kind of a window of opportunity. How about you?
Tim: Oh, I've got to be at Tool Time in 20 minutes. So, I just have, like, a little peephole.

Jeff: [on answer machine] Hey, bro. It's Jeff. Listen, I decided to take you up on your invitation to have dinner and watch the fight. Although I may be a little late because I have an appointment with my podiatrist. Tim, I've got a fungus infection between my toes that would just turn your stomach.
Tim: Just ignore him. He does that to get a rise out of me.
Jill: He won't.
Jeff: [on phone] It's unbelievable, Timmy! There's this yellow stuff oozing out of my toenails. Actually, it's more of a light green or a teal... Hard to describe on the phone, Tim. I'll show you tonight over dinner, okay? See ya.
Jill: That just put a lock on my window.
Tim: Hey, but Daddy's got the master key!

Jill: Okay, I know this. The cerebrum is responsible for sensory and neural function, motor coordination... And one more thing. Memory! Damn!

Carrie: Surprise!
Tim: Hi, Carrie.
Carrie: What ya doing?
Tim: I was looking for a quarter.
Carrie: I guess I came at a good time then, huh?

Carrie: I'm photographing a magazine cover. I just thought I'd stop by on my way to the hotel.
Jill: You are not staying at a hotel.
Tim: Honey, she's a grown woman. If she wants to stay in a hotel, who are we to stop her, huh?
Jill: She is not staying at a hotel. You can stay in Randy's room. But when you stay down there, you gotta go all the way up to the bathroom and then you gotta jiggle the handle of the toilet because it kind of runs. So, I should have Brad stay down in Randy's room and you can stay up there in his room.
Carrie: Great. Okay. Tim, is that okay?
Tim: I have no idea what she just said. But that's okay.

Jeff: The skin between every single one of my toes is cracked, splitting and raw. Could you pass the creamed corn?
Tim: There you go.
Jeff: I'll tell you, this fungus is painful.
Jill: Not as painful as hearing about it.
Jeff: You know what's the worst? Plantar's warts. You have to scrape that skin off the inside of your toe...
Tim: Okay, that's it. Dinner's over. Time for the fight.