Mark: Is something wrong?
Brad: Yeah. You know how I used to be so cool in junior high?
Mark: No.
Brad: Well, I was. But now that I'm in high school, I'm nobody.
Mark: Well, here comes Mom. Why don't you grab a cookie and talk to her about it?
Brad: I'd rather talk to the cookie.

Tim: Just pull down that sway bar. Now, we would've been at this job an hour and a half ago had you not spent most of the time with Mrs. Freud.

Dana: I'm sorry. But we gotta pick up Michelle at the mall, and meet Mom and Dad. You know, they really want to make the early-bird dinner.
Bert: Great. Another night of your dad telling that stupid joke. "Hey, Bert. How about an early-Bert dinner?"
Tim: [laughs] Oh, boy! That's not very funny, is it? That's... It'd be a lot less funny if your name were Bob.

Dana: I'm so sorry that having dinner with my father is such torture for you.
Bert: Well, it is. And it's all because you haven't individuated from your father.
Tim: Oh, boy!
Dana: What?
Bert: Jill, she explained the whole thing to me. How your over-attachment to your father is poisoning our marriage.
Jill: You know, I think that Tim was wrong about that "early-Bert" joke. Yeah, it'd be just as funny with Bob. "What about an early-Bob dinner?"
Tim: Funny, funny stuff.
Jill: "Bob dinner."

Dana: How could you talk about our private life with a stranger?
Bert: For your information, Dana, Jill happens to be a highly-respected psychologist.
Jill: Well, technically, I'm not a psychologist.
Dana: Well, technically, what are you?
Jill: Technically, the word that you would best use to describe me would be... a psychology student.
Bert & Dana: A student?!
Jill: Uh... But a very promising, highly-respected student.
Bert: I thought you were a teacher!
Dana: You criticized me based on something a student said?
Bert: I didn't know she was a student! And your problems must be pretty obvious if a stupid student can recognize them!
Jill: Well, for the record, I should tell you I just got an "A" on my last test.

Tim: [sighs] Now, honey, I'm guessing that this psychology test - the "A" was based on some sort of curve?
Jill: I don't think what I did was so terrible. I was just trying to get Bert to open up the lines of communication.
Tim: Which is exactly why I've told you communication's a bad thing. It can lead to nothing but disaster.
Jill: This is not a disaster.
Tim: Oh, really? Then why did Bert and Dana run out of here yelling?
Jill: Because they were just expressing some strong feelings. They're going to calm down and have a nice, rational discussion. And their relationship will be healthier for it.
Tim: Hey, Randy. How was the mall?
Randy: Wild. When Michelle's parents came to pick her up, they had a huge fight.
Tim: Was it a healthy, rational sort of thing?
Randy: No. It was more of a screaming, "I can't believe I married you," sort of thing.
Jill: Right there in the mall?
Randy: Oh, yeah. Right in the food court. The falafel guy had to restrain Michelle's mom.

Jill: So, Judith, last night I talked to a friend of Tim's. And in five minutes, I may have ended a 20-year marriage.
Judith: What on Earth did you say?
Jill: I just made the obvious assessment that his wife was in denial about her ability to individuate from her father.
Judith: And you came up with this diagnosis after meeting her for only five minutes?
Jill: Actually, at that point, I had never met her.

Tim: Al, where have you been? We're supposed to do a show here.
Al: I'm sorry I'm late. It's just I've been turtle-sitting.
Tim: Turtle-sitting?
Al: Yes. Mother's turtle, Scooter.
Tim: Hi, Scooter. Looks just like her. Except with a little softer skin.

Al: She's not feeling well. She didn't eat her lettuce last night for dinner.
Tim: Well, maybe she had a salad for lunch.
Al: No. I think she's depressed because she's separated from Mother.
Tim: She should talk to Jill. Probably hasn't been individuated. Is she an only turtle?
Al: I'm serious, Tim.
Tim: Al, we're doing Tool Time, not Turtle Time, OK?

Tim: What's the matter with you?
Al: What's the matter with me? You cover Scooter in cement, and then you nearly kill us speeding over here.
Tim: Sorry I had such a heavy foot.
Al: I should never have let you drive. Scooter is now shell-shocked.