‘Advise and Repent’
Season 5, Episode 5 - Aired October 24, 1995
After getting an A on her psychology test, Jill starts giving out marital advice to Bert.
Quote from Al
Tim: Hey, Bert, what are you doing here?
Bert: Hey, Tim. It's Dana's office.
Tim: Your GTO is out front. I saw it. Looking great.
Bert: Thanks. I just got it detailed.
Al: Excuse me! Can we cut the chitchat? I have a turtle in crisis!
Dana: What happened to your turtle?
Tim: Oh, he got into it with some real bad reptiles. They put him in a cement overcoat. We're investigating right now.
Quote from Tim
Dana: I'm sorry. I feel terrible about what happened. I gave Bert advice that was unsolicited and unqualified.
Tim: Not to mention uninteresting.
Jill: I should never have gotten involved. I am not going to say another word. I promise.
Tim: Good!
Jill: After I say this teensy-weensy, little thing.
Tim: Oh, boy! I think I'm gonna individuate myself away from this conversation. I'll go see how that little turtle's doing. Scooter! Scooter...
Quote from Jill
Jill: Look. Before you do anything rash, I hope that you'll consider talking to somebody first. [off their looks] Not me! I mean, you know, somebody who actually has her degree.
Bert: Well, I think we've gone just about as far as we can go with a student.
Jill: Look, if you want to talk to somebody, and only if you really both want to, I know a woman who is sensitive and incredibly qualified.
Bert: It might not be a bad idea. What do you think, Dana?
Dana: I suppose we could give her a call.
Jill: She's great. You'll love her. In fact, she was my teacher. [Dana rips up the card]
Bert: I think we'll find our own person.
Quote from Randy
Randy: Where's Mom?
Tim: She'll be back in a minute. She's just got some stuff to do.
Randy: What's she doing? Breaking up another marriage?
Tim: You found out she was the cause of the problem between Bert and Dana?
Randy: Oh, yeah. It's all over school. "Don't go to Randy Taylor's house. His mom will split up your parents."
Quote from Tim
Randy: Why does she always have to open her big mouth?
Tim: Hey, hey, hey! You don't talk about your mom like that! You know why she opens her big mouth? She likes to solve problems, you know. She's not the type of person to sit on the sidelines.
Randy: How do we get her to be one of those people?
Tim: Never gonna happen. And besides, you know, helping other people solve their problems is not a bad thing. You know, the best way for people to work out their difficulties is to talk about them.
Jill: [enters] Hi.
Tim: Hi.
Jill: I need to talk.
Tim: Oh, no. No.
Randy: You just said talking's a good thing.
Jill: He did?
Tim: I meant about cars. That sort of thing. Sports. Anything like that.
Quote from Tim
Jill: This whole thing with Bert and Dana's got me doubting what kind of a therapist I'll be.
Tim: Well, if you keep giving advice like you gave them, you'd better adopt some kind of a refund policy.
Quote from Tim
Jill: Now, come on. Seriously. Do you guys think that I'm the kind of person to go into psychology?
Tim: As a patient or a doctor?
Jill: There's my answer.
Tim: I'm kidding around. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're gonna make a great therapist.
Jill: Thanks, I guess. I really don't want to talk about it.
Tim: Uh-uh-uh. You don't want any unresolved issues. You gotta talk about it.
Randy: I'll get the cookies.
Tim: I'll get some milk.
[Randy tries and fails to jump up and try reach the cookies]
Tim: I'll get the cookies. You get the milk. [Tim tries weakly to jump up like Randy]
Quote from Al
Dana: I think she'll be fine. Let's soak her.
Al: I want Scooter to have the best of everything! You know, your finest lettuce, her own television... She likes to watch the Ninja Turtles.