Wilson: Hi-ho, neighbor.
Tim: Hi, Wilson.
Wilson: Using a metal detector at night in the middle of winter... You know, Tim, I'd be glad to help out if you're having a cash flow problem.
Tim: It's not about that. I hid Jill's Valentine's present. I can't find it anywhere in the house, so I thought maybe I buried it out here.
Wilson: What'd you get her? A bone?

Wilson: So how did the meeting go with your alluring school chum?
Tim: It was actually a meeting with my school chum's mum. Apparently, she and my father were very good friends. She was about to tell me they had an affair and I just ran away.
Wilson: Well, I could see how painful it would be for you to hear something like that. I know how much you idolized your dad.
Tim: I spent my whole life trying to be like him.
Wilson: Well, Tim, there's nothing wrong with modeling your life after someone. But it is dangerous to try to live up to an ideal that can't possibly exist.
Tim: What are you saying?
Wilson: I think it's important you think of your father as a human being with flaws like everybody else. You know, I'm reminded of the English statesman, Oliver Cromwell, who told an artist, "I want my picture painted, warts and all."
Tim: My dad didn't have any warts. He just had a big scar on his neck where I shot him with a staple gun.
Wilson: If you don't find out the truth about your father, you may spend your life wondering who he was.

Tim: Maybe I should go back down to that hotel. [rapid beeping]
Wilson: Ah! Sounds like you found Jill's present.
Tim: No. This is just an area I bury stuff I blow up so Jill won't find them. [beeping] That's a curling iron there. [rapid beeping] Crock pot.

Tim: I went to high school with a Talbot. Huh. Says she's in town for three days singing at the Hotel Shipman.
Al: Wow! She looks you up after 25 years? What do you think she wants?
Tim: I don't know.
Heidi: You know, last year a guy called me out of the blue from high school. Seems he's had a crush on me this whole time.
Tim: Was his name Liddy Talbot?
Al: Ooh, maybe Liddy's had a crush on you all these years.
Heidi: She did say it was personal.
Al: Ooh! Maybe she's just left her husband and she wants to seduce you with her feminine wiles.
Tim: Yeah. Maybe you should cancel that subscription to Cosmo.

Randy: I'm going crazy. I don't know what to get Lauren for Valentine's Day.
Brad: [scoffs] I know what I want to give Angela.
Randy: Wow! The new Ferrari 456. Not a bad price: $200,000.
Brad: That includes floor mats.

Tim: Guys! Guys! Did you find my Valentine's Day present for mom?
Randy: No. It's kind of tough to get motivated for a $2 reward.
Tim: Valentine's Day is not about money.
Brad: Obviously not.
Tim: Five bucks. Ten bucks. Forty bucks. Now, go find her Valentine's Day present, all right?

Jill: Valentine's Day present?
Tim: No.
Jill: What did you get me?
Tim: I can't tell you. Believe me, I can't tell you.

Jill: How was your day?
Tim: Oh, pretty gosh darn weird. Got a phone message from a girl I think I used to know in high school. And she told Heidi that it was a personal matter.
Jill: Ooh!
Tim: Why is everyone doing that? "Ooh!"
Jill: Well, let's see. She calls you out of the blue after 25 years.
Tim: Mm-hm.
Jill: She probably just got divorced, kids are grown, she's feeling a little lonely. And she's thinking... ..."Maybe I should've just settled for Tim after all."
Tim: I liked Al's answer better.

Jill: Tell me some more about her. What was her name?
Tim: Liddy Talbot.
Jill: Liddy Talbot. Was she blonde, blue-eyed? Really... [holds out hands in front of chest]
Tim: Bad arthritis?

Tim: Pretty big guitar for such a little guy.
Tina: [grunts] It's not a guitar. And if I'm a guy, I'm paying way too much for shoes.
Tim: Sorry. Let me give you a hand.
Tina: Oh, thank you.
Tim: Oh, boy! So, you're with the band?
Tina: Uh, yeah. What gave it away?
Tim: I'm here to see Liddy Talbot.
Tina: Oh, me too. I'm the replacement bass player.
Tim: What happened to the first one?
Tina: Hernia.
Tim: Oh!