Rory: The Joan and Melissa Rivers Story.
Lorelai: Starring Joan and Melissa Rivers. A mother and daughter torn apart by tragedy.
Rory: Suicide.
Lorelai: Not getting The Tonight Show.
Rory: Mean boyfriends.
Lorelai: Identical noses.
Rory: You'll laugh, you'll cry.
Lorelai: 'Cause you're laughing so hard.
Rory: It'll be an evening to remember.
Lorelai: In the pivotal scene where a very distraught Joan gets locked out of High Holiday services 'cause she's late I will be forced to rewind it and play it over and over about 4,000 times.
Rory: You'll never be the same.

Lorelai: Well, hello there. Well, hello there.
Rory: Grandma, you remember Dean, right?
Emily: Yes, I do. Nice to see you again.
Dean: Thanks. Your house is great. It's huge. I've never seen a house this huge before.
Emily: Well, thank you. So few people bother to notice the hugeness of the house anymore.

Emily: So, what would everyone like to drink?
Lorelai: Uh, well, I'll have a white wine, and Dean will have a beer.
Dean: What?
Lorelai: Corona, right?
Dean: No, no. I don't want a beer. I don't drink beer. I'll have a water or soda or anything. Or nothing. Not beer. Never beer. Beer's bad.
Emily: Relax, Dean, that's just Lorelai's little sense of humor. You're very cruel.
Lorelai: Yes, well, it keeps me young.
Dean: I'm just going to sit here and stare at my hands.
Emily: Soda, Dean?
Dean: Please.
Emily: Rory?
Rory: Oh, I'll have a beer. [the Gilmore women laugh] I'm sorry, Dean. We're not laughing at you.
Lorelai: Oh, wait, I think I was.
Emily: I think I was a little, too.

Rory: Grandma, I can't believe you found a recipe for beefaroni.
Emily: It wasn't easy. Antonia thought I'd gone insane.
Lorelai: Well...
Emily: No one needs a comment from you.
Lorelai: No, I was just going to say what's the secret?
Emily: Well, let's just say it's not beef.

Richard: So, Dean... where are you planning to go to college?
Dean: Oh, uh... Well, I...
Lorelai: Jeez, Dad, start off with, like, "What's your favorite baseball team?" or something.
Richard: I'm talking to Dean.
Dean: I don't know yet.
Richard: You don't?
Dean: No, not yet.
Richard: Well, what kind of grades do you get?
Emily: Richard, please, don't grill the boy.
Richard: I'm not grilling the boy, Emily. It's an easy question. A's? B's? C's?
Dean: I get a mixture, actually.
Richard: [chuckles] A mixture? What's the ratio?
Emily: Richard.
Richard: I'm just trying to get to know the boy, Emily. After all, Rory brings home a young man to dinner. The least we could do is find out something about him.

Dean: I get a couple of A's, a couple of B's, a few C's.
Richard: Really?
Dean: I'm not great in math.
Lorelai: Yeah. Except, who is, really? Except mathematicians or the blackjack dealers or I guess Stephen Hawking doesn't suck, you know. But you know what else is good, Mom, is a Ho Ho. Because if you can't find a Twinkie, you know, you can treat yourself to a nice Ho Ho. How long does it take to open a box?
Emily: She's making them.
Lorelai: She's making the Twinkies? You're kidding.

Emily: Oh, Richard, wasn't there a book you wanted to give Rory?
Richard: In a minute, Emily. So, Dean...
Rory: Uh, Grandpa you do know that Rory's going to an Ivy League school?
Dean: I know.
Richard: Harvard, Princeton, Yale.
Lorelai: He said he knew, Dad. You need top grades to get into a top school.
Dean: Yeah. Well, Rory's really smart.
Richard: "Yeah." She is really smart.

Dean: I don't know what I want to do.
Richard: You know, when I was 10 years old, I knew exactly where I wanted to work.
Lorelai: That's because you were always picked last for dodge ball.
Richard: I knew I wanted to go to Yale and put on a nice suit every day and be a very important man in a very powerful firm. And I knew I wanted to travel and see the world.
Dean: Well, that's great.
Richard: I wanted to see La Traviata at the La Scala opera house. I wanted to walk the ruins of Pompeii. I wanted to travel the Far East.
Lorelai: Or be a ballerina, or a fireman.
Richard: Lorelai, this isn't funny.
Lorelai: It's a little funny to think of a 10-year-old kid dreaming of the La Scala opera house.
Richard: Rory does. Rory wants to travel. Rory has plans.
Lorelai: Rory's special.
Richard: Yes. Exactly. Rory is special.
Dean: Well, I know that Rory's special.

Rory: Dean is special, too, Grandpa. You don't even know him.
Richard: I know enough.
Rory: No, you don't. Dean is incredible, and he's special to me. And I bring him here, and you attack him.
Richard: I will not be spoken to like that in my house.
Emily: Richard, here, give her the book.
Richard: This family has standards. You live up to them. You should expect that everyone you spend time with live up to them also. You are a gifted girl with immense promise and you should learn very early that certain people can hold you back.
Rory: Grandpa, stop it. You cannot treat Dean this way.
Richard: I'm sorry. Excuse me. I have to work.
Rory: Grandpa. [Richard exits]

Lorelai: Want to come in and have some dessert? You never did get your Twinkie.
Dean: Uh, no, thanks. I think I should get going.
Rory: Are you sure?
Dean: Yeah.
Lorelai: Okay, all I can say is, Dean, tonight you officially became a Gilmore girl. Feels good, huh?
Dean: Yeah.
Lorelai: See you later.