Frasier: Niles, I can't thank you enough. I feel this overwhelming urge to hug you.
Niles: Remember what Mom always said. "A handshake is as good as a hug."
Frasier: Wise woman.

Frasier: Dad, this is Daphne Moon.
Daphne: Nice to meet you. Oh, and who might this be?
Frasier: That is Eddie.
Martin: I call him Eddie Spaghetti.
Daphne: Oh, he likes pasta?
Martin: No, he has worms.

Frasier: Well, here we are. Rest assured. The refrigerator is stocked with your favorite beer, Ballantine. And we've got plenty of hot links and coleslaw and I just rented a Charles Bronson movie for later.
Martin: Let's cut the "Welcome to Camp Crane" speech, we all know why I'm here. Your old man can't be left alone for ten minutes without falling on his ass and Frasier got stuck with me. Isn't that right?
Frasier and Niles: No, no!
Frasier: I want you here. It'll give us a chance to get reacquainted.
Martin: That implies we were acquainted at one point.
[Niles laughs]

Frasier: Hi!
Niles: We finally made it.
Frasier: Ah, Dad. Dad, welcome to your new home. Gee, you look great.
Martin: Don't BS me. I do not look great. I spent Monday on the bathroom floor. You can still see the tile marks on my face.

Martin: Well, you're not the only one who got screwed here, you know. Two years ago, I'm sailing towards retirement and some punk robbing a convenience store puts a bullet in my hip. Next thing you know, I'm trading in my golf clubs for one of these. Well, I had plans, too, you know. And this may come as a shock to you, sonny boy, but one of them wasn't living with you.

Frasier: I'm just trying to do the right thing here. I'm trying to be the good son.
Martin: Oh, don't worry, son. After I'm gone, you can live guilt-free knowing you've done right by your Pop.
Frasier: You think that's what this is all about? Guilt?
Martin: Isn't it?
Frasier: Of course it is! But the point is I did it. I took you in. And I got news for you, I wanted to do it because you're my father! And how do you repay me? Ever since you moved in here, it's been a snide comment about this or a smart little put-down about that. Well, I've done my best to make a home here for you. And once. Just once, would it have killed you to say "thank you"? One lousy "thank you"?
Martin: Come on, Eddie, it's past your dinner time.
Frasier: I'm going out.

Frasier: We're back. Roz, who's our next caller?
Roz: We have Martin on line one. He's having a problem with his son.
Frasier: Hello, Martin. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm listening.
Martin: "I'm a first-time caller."
Frasier: Welcome to the show. How can I help you?
Martin: "I just moved in with my son, and it ain't working. There's a lot of tension between us."
Frasier: I can imagine. Why do you think that's so?
Martin: "I guess I didn't see he had a whole new life planned for himself. I kind of got in the way."
Frasier: Well, these things are a two-way street. Perhaps your son wasn't sensitive enough to see how your life was changing.
Martin: "You've got that right! I've been telling him that ever since I got there!"
Frasier: I'm sure he appreciated your candor.
Martin: "Well, sometimes maybe I oughta learn to just keep my trap shut."
Frasier: That's good advice for us all. Anything else?
Martin: "Yeah, I'm worried my son doesn't know that I really appreciate what he's done for me."
Frasier: Why don't you tell him?
Martin: "You know how it is with fathers and sons. They have trouble saying that stuff."
Frasier: Well, if it helps, I suspect your son already knows how you feel. Is that all?
Martin: "Yeah. I guess that's it. Thank you, Dr. Crane."
Frasier: My pleasure, Martin.
Martin: "You hear what I said? I said thank you!"
Frasier: Yes, I heard.

Frasier: Perhaps I should describe the duties around here. You would be responsible-
Daphne: Ooh. Wait a minute. I'm getting something on you. You're a florist.
Frasier: No, I'm a psychiatrist.
Daphne: Well, it comes and goes. Usually, it's strongest during my time of the month. Oh, I guess I let a little secret out there, didn't I?
Frasier: It's safe with us. Well, Miss Moon, I think we've learned all we need to know about you. And a dash extra.

Niles: So, Frasier, how are you doing on your own?
Frasier: I'm fine. I love my new life. I love the solitude. I miss Frederick like the dickens, of course. You know, he's quite a boy. He's playing goalie on the pee-wee soccer team now. Chip off the old block.
Niles: You hated sports.
Frasier: So does he! The fresh air's good for him.

Frasier: I have never been more impressed with a human being in my life. [Frasier closes the door] Now, what was wrong with that one?
Martin: She was casing the joint.
Frasier: Casing the joint! She spent two years with Mother Teresa.
Martin: Well, if I were Mother Teresa, I'd check my jewelry box.