Martin: And you know, if you don't like it here, then we'll do what we said we would. We'll just go to Montana, start a ranch.You know, we still got all that money we took from those drug dealers buried in the old box canyon.
Frasier: All right, Dad, we know you know we're here.
Martin: Well, why don't you get the hell out of here?

Roz: Do you remember that guy who dumped me last month? I thought he was right behind me. I just wanted him to see me with another guy so he'd know how completely over him I am.
Frasier: Good idea, Roz. If that doesn't work, why don't we get married and have some children. That will really fix his wagon.

Frasier: Oh, Roz, I almost forgot, here's the invitation to my Dad's birthday party. Sherry's giving it, so please excuse the elegant verse, but...
Roz: "Come one, ome all, To jump and jive, Marty Crane's turning sexty-five!"

Daphne: Okay, the keg of beer will be there by six. I also confirmed the band, ordered the cake, filled out the place cards, picked up the humorous cocktail napkins and I'm almost done making the centerpieces.
Sherry: [sighs] Oh, this party is just going to wear me out.

Sherry: I forgot to tell you. I found this fabulous photograph of Marty arresting some guy. I had it blown up to life size, then I cut out the crook's face so people could stick their heads through and have a snap shot of Marty reading them their rights. Don't you just love it?
Daphne: It depends. Do I have to pick it up?
Sherry: By five. You're a doll.

Daphne: Dr. Crane, are you all right?
Frasier: No, I am not. I've combed the entire city trying to find a gift, but nothing is better than what Niles got him.
Daphne: What did your brother get him?
Frasier: I don't know. I'm sure it's something any father would just love.

Martin: I gotta tell 'ya, I'm loving this birthday. All of a sudden my money's no good. Last night, Ed Flannagan bought the whole bar a round in my honor.
Frasier: Who's Ed Flannagan?
Martin: That's what I asked.

Daphne: You know, Dr. Crane, the last thing I want to do is encourage more competition between you and your brother. But if you really want to make your father happy, maybe the time has-
Frasier: Don't. Don't even say it.
Daphne: But it's the only thing he's ever asked for.
Frasier: No, God, it'll ruin my apartment, my life! I can't, I won't, I mustn't!
Daphne: It's over, Dr. Crane.
[later:]
Daphne: That is one big-screen TV. He's going to love it.
Frasier: [sobbing] I know.

Frasier: Oh, you're right, it's dreadful, isn't it! But you know, it's worth it, just to imagine the smile it'll put on Dad's face, not to mention the pleasure of watching you twist and writhe in envy. You're not twisting and writhing.

Niles: Well, I hope it'll at least cheer Dad up. The party certainly didn't.
Frasier: God, I know. Not even when Sherry sang that little ditty she'd composed, "You Can Cop A Feel If I Can Feel A Cop".