Niles: Our home security system is down for repairs, and with no electric gates I'll just feel safer if I'm packing heat.
Frasier: Oh, for heaven's sake, Niles, you don't even know how to pack a lunch.

Bulldog: Hey, what if she hates sports? I need this job. I just promised my mom a new pacemaker. Wait, think I could get her to believe I said "pasta maker?"

Martin: You know, Niles, you shouldn't have any kind of gun, really. Come to think of it, now that Mr. Sunshine's home during the day, maybe I shouldn't either!

Frasier: You can go ahead and fire me now.
Kate: Yes, I could do that, yeah. But I'm not going to.
Frasier: Did you listen to the whole tape?
Kate: Oh, yeah. But, unlike you, I put what's good for the station above my personal feelings.
Frasier: Well, that's-that's awfully big of you. Guess that means I'll be moving back to my old time slot.
Kate: Guess again, Captain Midnight! If I give you back your old time slot without your making a single concession to me, that would completely undermine my authority. Being a crack shrink, surely that's within your grasp.
Frasier: Grasp this: if I don't get my old time slot, I quit!
Kate: Grasp this: you do, and I'll sue you for breach of contract!
Frasier: Okay, then it's a stalemate! If we don't want to remain entrenched in these positions forever, one of us had better think of something!
Kate: Yes, one of us better.
Frasier: I've got it!
Kate: Damn!

Niles: Dad, please.
Martin: No! I don't believe in civilians having guns.
Niles: This isn't fair. Maris's mother gave her a gun.
Martin: Well, then Maris's mother can clean the mess up after she accidentally blows your brains out.
Niles: Dad, now you're talking nonsense. Maris's mother has never cleaned anything in her life.

Frasier: Roz, Roz, Roz! We shouldn't get mad at each other. Oh God, this is all Kate's fault.
Roz: You're right, you're right, she's ruining us. And there's nothing we can do.
Frasier: Yes, there is. If we're gonna go down, we're gonna take her down with us. We've got one hour left. If she wants raunch, we're gonna give her more raunch than she ever dreamed of! Are you with me, Roz?
Roz: Just pump up the volume and call me Kitty!

Kate: Finally, I would like you to start giving priority to the juicier calls.
Frasier: That's called pandering!
Kate: And that is called a Peabody Award!
Frasier: Well, what exactly do you expect me to do? Say to a caller, "Listen, Bob, I'm sorry you lost your job, but unemployment's a snore! Why don't you go sleep with your best friend's wife and call in on Monday when it'll be Infidelity Day on the Frasier Crane Show!"
Kate: I really know what I'm doing here. The psychiatrist at my last station went national.
Frasier: Well, you know, I'd rather stay local if going national means sucking at the sump-pump of sensationalism!
Kate: Well, I'm the boss, Doc. So, pucker up!
Frasier: Listen, lady, I'm not changing my show. Unless you're willing to explain to the owners why you fired one of your highest-rated hosts, well then there's nothing you can do about it, is there?
[cut to Frasier and Roz in their booths:]
Frasier: Well, we're coming up on 3 A.M.
Roz: Who cares?

Frasier: Just relax. It won't be long before my loyal fans protest, and the afternoon slot is once again home to the compassionate and lovable Dr. Frasier Crane. Now get the hell out, both of you!

Frasier: Oh God, Roz, I don't think I've helped a single person tonight.
Roz: Helped? You'll be lucky if you don't get sued! You told a longshoreman to come out of the closet, and a gay guy to spend more time on the docks.

Frasier: We're back, Seattle. And in accordance with new station policy, we are going to be pandering to the lowest human instinct. In other words, who wants to talk about SEX?! Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex! [Roz adds the sound of whip] Yeah! I want to know who's having sex! How you're having it! I want to know if you're having it right now!
Roz: Look, Dr. Crane, the lines are hot! [sultry voice] Really hot!
Frasier: Thank you, Kitty. [punches button] Hello, Caller. What are you wearing?
Nancy: "Nothing. I'm naked."
Frasier: Hey, that's a great idea! Let's all get naked! Hey, I'm getting naked right now!
Roz: While Dr. Crane strips, our new station manager would like to know if you prefer to be the spanker, or the spankee.
Nancy: "Oh, definitely the spanker."
Frasier: Well then, hop in a cab! I'm not wearing any pants!