Martin: This is why I never took any home movies. You two realize what a couple of delicate doilies you are? Sheesh, you don't even know the meaning of the word self-reliant. Thank God there's not a national disaster happening, you'd be helpless.

Frasier: Yes, very well, lock-nut. You see Niles, until today, you didn't even know what a locknut was.
Niles: That Niles is dead. Call me Dutch.

Niles: Well then, my next question to you would be "Why would you behave this way?"
Danny: Well, I don't know. I mean, I guess because people thought it was funny.
Niles: I see, I see. So then, to get this validation, you would, say, squeeze my head between your ankles and hop around the lunch room?
Danny: I did that to you?
Niles: Yes. How does that make you feel?
Danny: ... Well, kinda bad!
Niles: The healing has begun.

Billy: Then we made him hula in his underwear in front of all the girls! [Billy bends his head down into the toilet bowl] You shoulda been there!
Frasier: I was there! [lunges at Billy]

Roz: Wait, Frasier. I want to ask you a question, and I want you to give me an honest answer.
Frasier: No, that outfit does not make you look fat.
Roz: Well, that wasn't the question. But why would you think it was?
Frasier: Well, as a rule, when a woman prefaces a question with "I want an honest answer," that's usually the question.

Roz: Well, I'm not that insecure.
Frasier: Good. I'm sorry, you were right. Your question, please.
Roz: Would you say the back of my head is unattractive?
Frasier: Roz, have you completely lost your mind?

Martin: Ah, got you again, huh? You're such a soft touch.
Frasier: I am not.
Martin: Well, he never begs while I'm eating.
Frasier: Maybe he doesn't like what you're eating.
Martin: Trust me, he's not picky. I saw him eat a beetle.

Frasier: You know Niles, working with our hands like this, I'm reminded of that glorious tradition of the Amish barn raising. All the men of the village coming together, the mind, the muscle, all toward that one simple, yet extraordinary goal. All right, we are ready to flush.

Niles: Don't mind me, just came in for some aspirin. Tannic acid gives me the tiniest headache. That's the price I pay for drinking nothing but expensive wine.

Danny: Say, uh, has somebody been trying to fix this thing?
Niles: Not me. I don't even set the clock in my Mercedes E320.