Roz: We have Elliot, on line three.
Frasier: Hello, Elliot. I'm listening.
Elliot: "Well, you see Dr. Crane, I have a problem. I'm a salesman..."
Frasier: Ah, a salesman? How old are you?
Elliot: "Forty-three."
Frasier: Forty-three?
Elliot: "Yes."
Frasier: Now, tell. Let's be truthful.
Elliot: "I'm forty-three."
Frasier: Now, Elliot, we were not born yesterday. Clearly you are just an adolescent, trying to prove to your little friends how clever you are by getting on the radio. But you know what you are really doing, you're taking time away from people with real problems.
Elliot: "Hey, I'm forty-three. My problem is I have a very young-sounding voice that people make fun of all the time!"
Frasier: Oh, I'm so sorry, Elliot, that was very insensitive of me.
Elliot: "Hah! Gotcha, Dr. Doofus!" [a gaggle of children laugh]
Frasier: Yes, indeed you did "get us," Elliot, but we are not so stuffy here on this program that we can't laugh at ourselves from time to time. [off-air] Roz, can't you keep these pimply-faced little maggots off the air?!

Niles: The plumber's been called. The wine is properly chilled. Suddenly my world makes sense again.

Frasier: We've had a tough day. We've tangled with a little pipe and porcelain. Now it's Montrachet time.

Niles: You have the big Mercedes?
Danny: Oh, yeah. And I gotta tell you, my 13 year-old's already got his eye on it. That's a great kid right there. Except he got in a fight at school the other day.
[Danny bends down and puts his head in the toilet]
Niles: Oh, really? [reaches to flush the toilet] With some small-boned child with superior language skills?
Danny: Nah. [Danny looks up] It was some big jerk on the football team who tried to steal his lunch money.
Niles: Ah, well, there's nothing like a bully.
Danny: Well, I gotta tell you, I'd rather he'd be a bully than one of those wussy kids that always get picked on. You know the kind I'm talking about? Kids who are too gutless to fight back?
Niles: So, you admire someone who fights back, do you?
[Niles raises his foot close to Danny's head, but he pulls it back when Danny looks up]
Danny: Well, sure. I mean, if you don't fight back, what are you? You're a wuss, you're a wimp, you're a-
[Frasier enters. He stops Niles from grabbing for Danny's head.]
Frasier: Stop! Niles, leave the man alone while he's trying to work.

Frasier: Niles, you see, there is a beast in all of us. Part of becoming a rational adult is learning to control it. That's what separates us from the Kreizels of this world.
Niles: That and their tendency to squat on their haunches and groom each other.

Martin: So you really shoved his head right in here?
Frasier: I don't know, Dad. It's all really sort of a blur. I guess I just lost control.
Martin: Bet it felt good though, didn't it?
Frasier: No. It felt damn good.
Martin: [laughs] Ah, it's too bad you didn't do it twenty years ago, you could have given him a much better swirly. These low-flow toilets don't have the same velocity as the old ones. So what did he do to you?
Frasier: He didn't have the nerve to do a thing.
Martin: You paid him off, huh?
Frasier: I've never written a check so quickly in my life.

Frasier: You know Niles, I'd actually like to fix that toilet, just to prove Dad wrong.
Niles: Frasier, when a man is born with superior genes, the last challenge he should face involving a toilet is learning how to use one.

Daphne: What a lovely way to spend an afternoon.
Frasier: Well, Daphne, we're not plumbers, we're psychiatrists.
Daphne: Yeah, well, there are some heads you shouldn't tamper with.

Niles: So then it's possible these acts of aggression were misplaced outbursts aimed at your father.
Danny: [almost in tears] Yes.
Niles: He was the real bully, wasn't he?
Danny: Oh, yes!
Niles: Let it out, Danny, let it out!
Danny: Nothing I ever did was good enough for him! [sits up] I am so sorry that I picked on you, man. I just wanted to be good at something, and I was good at that.
Niles: [puts his hand on Danny's shoulder] You were the best.

Martin: Oh, for God's sake, Eddie, don't drink out of the toilet. Some guy just had his head in there!