Frasier: [answering the phone] Hello?
Carlos: [v.o] Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Yes, who's this?
Carlos: Dr. Kaufmann. Bob Kaufmann of the National Psychotherapy Institute. Oh, my gosh, it's six-fifteen in the morning your time. I hope I didn't wake you.
Frasier: No, no, I was up. Uh, where did you say you were calling from?
Carlos: The National Psychotherapy Institute in Saddle River, New Jersey.
Frasier: Oh, yes, of course. What can I do for you?
Carlos: Oh, for Pete's sake. No one called you? You won our Radio Therapist of the Year Award. Congratulations.
Frasier: ... Well, thank you. Of course, the work itself is honor enough.
Carlos: Thank you. And I'm sorry about the mix-up. The problem is we're going to need some pictures of you so we can get started on the statue.
Frasier: Statue?
Carlos: For our Hall of Thinkers. Angie, he never got the packet!
Frasier: Is there anything I can do?
Carlos: Well, it's a little late now. But maybe if you describe your body we could get started on the preliminary carving. The sculptor's right here. Fortunately, we got Herr Gustav Brumholt.
Frasier: Oh, my.
Chicken: [in a German accent] Ja, ja, Dr. Crane, please, ja?
Frasier: Yes, yes, this is Dr. Crane speaking. Herr Brumholt, may I say, it's quite an honor.
Chicken: Ja, ja, ja. We have your face, very handsome, but I need you to describe your body.
Frasier: Yes, of course. Uh. Six foot one, medium build, broad shoulders, sublimely proportioned...
Chicken: Ja, das gut, ja. But before I order my marble I need you to describe your, um, how do I say this, your, where you sit? Ja?
Frasier: Oh, my posterior, yeah well, that's a little sensitive, isn't it? [laughs]
Chicken: Oh, you don't want to tell me, I understand, it's a big one.
Frasier: No, no, no. I didn't say that.
Chicken: Angie, order the big marble, please. Ja?
Frasier: Would you please put Dr. Kaufmann back on?
Chicken: No, I have a better idea. Why don't you send us a picture of [dropping accent] your immense hindquarters and send it into KACL's new morning team...
Carlos & the Chicken: Carlos And The Chicken!

Daphne: Dr. Crane, how do you know it's time to have your crepe pans re-seasoned, anyway?
Niles: It can be confusing. But this may help: "Saucepans in summer, crepe pans in fall, when winter's upon us, there's food for us all."

Frasier: Chicken, I believe it was La Rochéfoucauld, the great French thinker.
Chicken: Would you just give it a rest, double-wide? I went to grad school, too. And P.S., it's pronounced "La Rochéfoucald."
Frasier: That's it! Nobody corrects my French pronunciation, you son of a ...!

Niles: Frasier, what do you put in your bath water?
Frasier: You know very well it's a proprietary blend, Niles.
Niles: No, no, no. It's your super. There's something corroding the pipes in the unit below you. He thinks it may be something in your tub.
Frasier: [on the phone] Hello, yes, I'm sure it's not my fault but if you insist, I use... [waits for Niles to exit] ...jasmine, lavender, rose hips and a little Tahitian Vanilla.
Chicken: Yeah, well, that sounds okay. Boy, with a bath like that I bet the ladies sure go for you though, huh?
Frasier: Yes, well, love does enter through the nose.
Chicken: Hey, you know, the neighbors down here have been complaining about a little sound bleed-through. I think we got a bad tile. I sure would like to check it. I heard you sing into the phone earlier. You think you could, I don't know, do it again?
Frasier: All right. [Frasier starts singing "I'm in the Mood for Love" again]

Frasier: Morning.
Daphne: [holding back laughter] Good morning, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: You won't believe what just happened to me. I was the victim of a radio prank.
Daphne: Oh, that's terrible.
Frasier: Yes. It's a sad day when getting a man to describe his own behind passes as humor.
[Daphne ducks into the kitchen as she breaks out laughing]
Frasier: You heard the whole thing, didn't you?
Daphne: Ja.

Frasier: "Carlos and the Chicken" are the sort of performers who keep popping up on the radio these days. So-called humorists who rely on cruel pranks and scatological references. Well, I suppose that's the sort of thing that passes for entertainment these days. You know, perhaps it's just a generational thing.
Martin: Man, they got you good. The Chicken was on fire. What a great bit.

Frasier: For God's sakes, I'm going back to bed.
Martin: Hey, hey, Frasier. Wait a minute. Do you think you can get me a tape of the show?
Frasier: What on earth for?
Martin: Well, how often do you get to hear your son on the radio?
Frasier: I'm on the radio everyday!

Frasier: Hello, Roz, I suppose you heard about my unscheduled appearance on KACL's new morning show.
Roz: No, what happened?
Frasier: Well, the less said about it, the better.
Roz: Come on Frasier, why don't you pull up a couple of chairs and tell me about it?

Roz: Frasier, I know guys like this. Once they know they can rattle you, they never stop. Just take your lumps and laugh it off.
Frasier: Roz, I'm perfectly capable of laughing it off. I just want to let them know that I do not appreciate being made the punch line at my own station. I'm going to go over there and tell them from now on, I don't want any part of their shenanigans.
Roz: Oh God, please don't say "shenanigans".

Carlos: Dr. Crane, I hope we didn't go too far. We love your show.
Frasier: Really, you're listeners?
Chicken: Oh, yeah, yeah. We're big fans. You know, the last thing we want to do is step on your toes.
Frasier: Well, you know, you do tread a fine line with your style of comedy, but perhaps you can be excused for stomping on it rather exuberantly on your first day. Just keep in mind, in the future, that this station does have a certain pecking order. [laughs]
Carlos: We totally get it, Dr. Crane. It felt wrong when we did it.
Chicken: Sure did. Sure you're not upset or anything?
Frasier: No. No harm, no foul.
Chicken: It was great meeting you, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Likewise, boys. Hey, call me Frasier, but don't call me at home.